Reading this blog

If you like to read this blog - start from January of 2012 and then go the most recent. I have started a new blog with my new name.

jeneneyoungman.blogspot.com

Happy reading! I hope to merge them together soon.

Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene

So close to the 18th

A couple of nights ago I was listening to a song on You Tube. Then it got me thinking about our first dance song. I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. I have heard it so much that it kind of lost some of it meaning to me. But listening to this week reminded me all that Ross and I have gone through. Here are the lyrics.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

There have never been a song that has been more fitting then this song. I can't wait to dance to this song. It will forever be our song.

Being so close to the anniversary to the day that I was diagnosed with cancer, I am reminded of what has happened in the last two years. Let's see...I went to the ER and I remember it like it was yesterday. So much I can't remember from the meds that they gave me. I haven't really dealt with all of it, but each day I get closer. It helps for me to talk about it and share my story with others. It is very hard to be 31 and not know very many people like me. Don't feel bad that I can't have kids. I never knew if I want to have them. Think of it this way, I am never again going to have the emotional stress from PMS. It has been almost 2 years since I have had a period. Oh yeah, I love it. Sure I get hot flashes, but I much rather have those then terrible cramps and mood swings. There are so many adjustments that I have had to make because one day my life changed forever. I am not angry because last year was a great year. A lot of things I got to experience because of my cancer and I would have taken so much longer to get to if my life hadn't changed.

I have talked about all these things before and there is nothing new, yes my life changed. I can't change what has happened. I would change anything. I am so happy to be alive and sharing my story with you. I hope to go through my blog and add more details. I hope that one day that I can turn it into a book. I hope that one day I can help someone else get through cancer and treatment.

I was recently in hospital because I had an allergic reaction to a vaccine. Let's see...my chance of getting leukemia is 1.51% actually it is lower because of the type of leukemia. I got the one that is least common in adults. There is no cause or prevention for it. It just happens. So like most things that have happened to me it had taken a few days. The vaccine that I had was Tdap which only came around in 2005. It is the tetanus shot with others, well the others it was I was allergic to. "Very rarely, someone may have a severe allergic reaction to an ingredient in the Tdap or Td vaccine. This generally happens in less than one in a million doses.'' Seriously? Remember I was allergic to cyclosporine? Highly unlikely that a very serious allergic reaction would happen. My newest one is Celebrex which only causes a small reaction but you can see it all over my face, why? Because it turns my face bright red! Oh geez. At least at this point I am more surprised when something doesn't happen. Another small thing that I have had to adjust to. When I was in the hospital the doctor told me that when it comes to me that all rules go out the door. Yay me! I always new that I was different but really but I didn't know how different I am. I am not going to change me. I love me.

As the 18th comes closer, I am trying to make it a better day for me. I don't want it to be my emotional time of year. I don't want to be sad. It is the hardest thing that I have gone through. I hope that I never have to go through something as hard. So I am ready to take on this new year and plan my future. Ross and I have so many things in store for our future. We will live each day with a smile on our face. I will remind myself to not to live in the past. Move forward. It really was the day that my life changed forever. I don't look the same, I don't act the same. I am a better person than I was before. I really need to thank cancer for what it did to me. If it doesn't kill you it only makes your stronger. Those are some words that you don't want to live by. My motto is always "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin.

I am ready for the next chapter in my life. To be married and start my life with Ross as husband and wife. 69 days until we are married. We are so excited and can't wait for the big day. Next chapter in my life will be a cancer survivor at the age of 31 and beyond. Learning how to deal with my body and all that comes with. Trying to get people to understand that what I went through, because I look like I am 25 I act like I am 30 and have the body of a 75 year old. It isn't that I expect to be treated differently but it is hard to understand when you look at me and don't know my past. Can't truly understand me without the history. I am really thankful to be alive. There is an amazing man that tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me smile so much! Oh Ross how I love you!

 I think this is enough for now. Until next time. Keep smiling.

Love - Jenene

New year new goals

It has been over a year since I started my blog and through the last year I have come to terms with a lot of things dealing with cancer. When I started last year I was so afraid of so many things happening. I was completely living in fear, afraid of the sun, germs and of relapse. It has almost 18 months since my transplant. I like to take the time and reflect on what has happened.

I went back to work on November 28th 2011. That was 6 months after my transplant. I was full time working 32 hours by January 1st. Not only was it 6 months after my transplant but only 4 months after I almost died. I try to make light of what happened only to not make people feel so weird. How many times to do you get to come back to life? Ross, the nurses and myself were the reason I am still alive. Always believe what you feel inside, don't go against. In the last year I have had to adapt to a life of change. Learning how to do the simple things that I once took for granted. My memory is the one thing that I take for granted and now I have adapted to making notes, not just in one place, but like 3. I need to carry it over to my personal life a bit more. Write things down! :-)

Last year after not being able to drink for 10 months, I really could wait to be able to drink again. Not like I have ever been a really drinker, but a nice cold beer with some BBQ. You know what I mean, a cocktail after a long day at work or a nice glass of wine with dinner. Mind you, my drinking was very limited because of the medications that I was taking and didn't want to injure my liver or kidneys. Now, I am only on 2 meds, one for my thyroid and one for my anxiety. Guess what? Those were the meds I was on before I was diagnosed. It has been just over a week since I have stopped taking steroids for the first time since my transplant. Oh boy does it feel good. I keep hoping that my face is going to lose it's chubbiness very soon. Only time will tell. Because of the steroids it has caused my cholesterol to go into the high range. Making me have to make another adjustment to life. No one likes the word diet. So instead, I have changed the foods that I eat but making sure to still fulfill my cravings. Watching the amount of calories and cholesterol that I intake. Hopefully it will drop a lot with not taking the steroids and eating differently. Also I have been working out with my bike that I got, with core workouts. Oh ya baby! I am going to look great for my wedding.

The last 2 days someone has told me that I am fast walker. Do you know how good that makes me feel? Thank you Charlene! I could barely get around a year ago. The cold air would take the breath right out of me. Oh change how you have been good to me. I have also been falling down less. Getting those knees and hips in shape.

Coming to terms with life. I have learned how to cherish those that love me so much better. Have better appreciation for all that have taken care of me. Learning how to let go of the past as in longer than the 2 last years. Letting going of the fears of dying and learning to live again. Life is so short, but you truly don't understand unless you have come close to losing it. Not having people in my life that are drama and self-sabotaging is the easiest thing to let go. My life is so much calmer now that I know who I can count on and who I can't. It's better to have a small group of loved ones then lots of "surface" people. It has been amazing what I have learned through going to a therapist. I recommend it to everyone. Everyone should have one. Someone to release all your thought and that isn't going to hold your hand and cater to your needs or their needs. Be real and honest people. 

I have recently felt heartache again. In all that has happened my father has decided that he is done with me and my sister. Without airing all our dirty laundry know this. My sister and I are by far some of the strongest people I know. Ya, I know I have a big ego, but you go through what I have and see how you come out on the other side. We are so strong because had to raise ourselves from me being 9 and her being 7. Our mom was a hard worker and our dad was always in between jobs. Our mom did the best she could but only could do so much. I remember being so poor that we could only use 3 squares of toilet paper at a time. Getting most of our school supplies from our grandparents because my grandfather was a principle and was always stocked up. There is so much more childhood drama, but we all have it. No one is perfect, I truly understand that. I have always opened my doors to my family and tried to help out. I have helped out my dad's sister and ex-girlfriend only to be screwed over by both of them. I have always had a place for him to lay his head when he has come to town. But one time he can't stay all night is when we had my mom over for holiday he stops talking to me and blocks my number. Then tells my sister he isn't coming to my wedding or walk me down the aisle. The reason that we didn't want to have him over wasn't because my mom said anything it was because my sister and I didn't want to have an uncomfortable holiday with both our parents. Hello! They have been divorced since 1999, no we don't want our parents to be around each other unless necessary. It was weird enough in the hospital and I was on drugs most of the time. So there you have it. All I have to say is that you can't explain crazy.

I am moving forward and looking forward to my wedding and honeymoon. Next month will be 2 years since I got Leukemia, but the only anniversary that will matter to me are the one with Ross and my transplant birthday. :-)

So 2013, has been good so far with only being 24 days into. One of my goals for the year is to educate myself more. I love to memorize dates, places and trivia. I am learning all the Presidents in order then to learn about them and be able to tell everyone all sorts of things about them. I have the first 8 so far. I am getting there week by week. :) Speaking of memory, I can't remember what my other goal was, sure I would like to lose weight, but that wasn't it. Drink less, sure, since last years was to drink more. Haha! Well I guess that is enough for now. I am off to read my book.

Let's try for next week.

Take care of yourself!

With love,
Jenene

30 day challange

So instead of posting daily on Facebook I kept notes to myself and new that I would post them on my blog.

1. Ross
2. Sun
3. Good knees
4. The love from my Maggie
5. To have a job that supports my lifestyle
6. For those that were strong enough to fight for all of my freedoms.
7. Peace to myself
8. A job that I enjoy
9. My little nephews
10. The love I have for sports
11. Coffee
12. My health
13. Medications
14. Freedom to drive
15. For my family
16. For best friends
17. Having purpose to live again
18. My mom and dad
19. Benjamin Franklin
20. Doctors that answer your questions regardless of the hour
21. Water, food, and wine
22. Memories
23. For a good therapist
24. The experience of being bald and teaching me how to love myself regardless of how I look.
25. My crazy bosses and the lessons that they teach me.
26. Being able to express myself through writing.
27. The people that invented indoor plumbing
28. For my soon to be in-laws that are becoming to feel like my family
29. Clothes and shoes
30. My new recumbent bike.

I am so thankful to have my life. I love the way it is. There are always things that could make it better and that is why we have goals.

I could write everyday what I am thankful for. There are so many things that we live with that we don't even realize how important they are until they are gone. Don't take life for granted. Live it as full as possible. I realized that doesn't mean that I have to always be doing something. What is one of the most important things to my life? Napping. I have always liked to nap and so does Ross. It is one of favorite things to do.

I will keep this light...until my next posting...Happy Holidays.

Vacation

I just got back from the most amazing vacation ever. My mom, the wonderful woman that she is decided to take us to Hawaii to reward all the hard work that Charlene, Ross, Derek and Scott had done for me while I went through everything. It was a treat for herself too. I really didn't want to go to Hawaii, because at the time I was afraid of the sun. I don't want to get another cancer. I learned that it wasn't good to live in fear and wait for the next cancer to get to me. So we planned and planned our trip to Hawaii. I didn't have high expectation because I didn't know what it was going to be like. I had never been to a place like Hawaii. It took my breath away. It was Ross' home. He was so happy the entire time that we were there. We were all happy. The first day that we were there Ross proposed to me. I knew that he was going to since we were already planning the wedding. I didn't know what day or where. That was the surprise. It was very special and private and will only share a few details in person. That same morning Derek recieved a call that he had got a job at Amazon in Seattle. All this on our first day. This is the way to start a vacation. We saw several sites, we all went our own way because we are all interested in different things. We shared many meals together and talked about what we had done for the day. On Monday, we had planned to go to a temple and not really do too much but we ended up on our way to Honolulu and we were going there the next day to see Pearl Harbor but since we got lost, (apple maps suck) we decided to go visit Pearl Harbor. It really put things into view for me again. It made me very sad to know how many men, women and children had died that day. It was so peaceful to be out on the memorial and reflect on the terrible things that people had to go through. I have been through a lot but it doesn't compare to others went through in just a couple of hours. I wish that everyone would take interest in history, wars and the bigger issues in life. It would make all of our small things that happen everyday, just that, small things.

We ended up being able to find the temple on our way back. It was just as somber as the memorial. It was very fitting to put it all into one day. We were happy that we didn't do these two things on our last day but give us another day to reflect and enjoy our time in Hawaii. The temple was built without any nails. The temple is called Byodo-In Temple and that translated "temple of equality - not to discriminate". So fitting since the next day was going to be election day. I promise, no politics in this blog today. The Byodo-In was built to respresent the mythical phoenix, it's wings upheld by pillars of stone. Folklore tells of the phoenix arising from the ashes to reflect the promises of hope and renewal. This is what the trip was for me. Just less then a month ago my doctor told me to go and live. That is way the song feeling again touches me so much because the first time in almost 2 years I feel like I can live again. I have hope again for a brigh future. I look out and only see sunshine. Do you know what it feels like to have the new energy? It feels amazing and that is a small word to really put feeling into it.

As you can see my vacation was so far the best that I have ever been on. I hope that my mom reads this and sees how much she has improved my life. Without my support of my family, and that includes my dad who wasn't there I wouldn't be the person that I am. I could ask for better parents, sister, brother-in-law and step dad. Also to my wonderful man, Ross who has seen the worst side of me and the best side of and continues to stand by me.

With finishing this post, I know that I only gave a small glimpse of what my trip was like. As most of you know, my memory isn't what it once was. Ross and I have decided to create a scrap book of our vacation to Hawaii. I think that we will continue on taking pictures and making notes along the way.

It has almost been a full year since I have been doing this blog. I hope that one day to go through and rewrite it and make a book of it. Maybe? I am sure that my next post will be soon. I have a lot on my mind and am ready to share.

Love you all!

What would Benjamin Franklin Do?

Think about these quotes...I am sure that you can apply them to your life.

 Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

He that can have patience can have what he will.

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.

Fish and visitors smell in three days.

And last...my favorite.

Energy and persistence conquer all things.

Just some things to think about and apply to life.  

Feeling again

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...

There was nothing better than getting the news earlier this month that I was cancer free. To hear my doctor to tell me to go out and live and love made me feel like a brand new person. I have waited over a year to confirm that I was still in remission. Did I have doubts, yes I did. But who isn't after I have I gone through.

I have finished packing for my trip to Hawaii and am going to take off tomorrow. I have never been to Hawaii and really look forward to getting some relaxation and sun. There is nothing like getting some sun. I know, where my sunscreen. Don't you worry my mom will be there and will I am sure be more than happy to put me on a clock to reapply. I love her, it is because of her that we are taking this trip. It is the first time ever that we have taken a family trip. Good thing I like all of them. This is her treat to us, me, Charlene, Derek, Ross and Scott for all their support that they have given me in the last year and half. Without them I don't know what I would do. I don't think about those things. No need to.

I am starting to live again and it feels amazing.

I had a co-worker come up to me today and tell me that she had read on Facebook that I was cancer free and it made her so happy. She tried to explain how connected she had felt to me because 5 years ago she was sick and in her country they didn't know what was wrong. She said she was in the hospital for 40 days. Oh boy do I know how that feels. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. It is one of the main reasons I have decided to write today.

How can we better each other lives? How can we get rid of the bad from our past? I have come to terms with what has happened in my life. I still have people that I don't want anything to do with and really don't care what ever happens to them. But I don't spend any of my energy on them or looking back. By no means am I perfect. I have a mouth that can't seem to shut. I love to express myself.  Anyways, moving forward. I would love for everyone to be happy all the time. I would love for no one to feel pain. These things, I can only do by sharing my positive energy with others. I can hug you everyday. I can tell a corny joke. I can make you laugh 10 times a day. I can dance around like a white girl. Did I make you smile yet? The one person that needs to be happy is yourself. If you can't find happiness within yourself then you can't share with others.

I can tell you that my relationship with Ross is like no other. I try not to compare to others. I have been told that what Ross and I have gone through is something that people that have been together 30 years might go through. Where I am going with this is...tell your partner that you love them. Tell them how special they are. Communicate always. Tell them your feelings good or bad. Spend time with them and nothing else around. Don't take each other for granted. Look into their eyes and give them a compliment. Kiss them on the cheek. There are so many small things to do to make another feel better, they don't even have to be down. I am not an expert in relationships but I understand the importance of sharing feelings because you never know what the future is going to hold.

I can't wait for what my future holds. There are so many changes going to be taking place in the next year. Then from there you never know what is ahead. So many questions, oh change how I will take you.

Live, love and laugh!! Those are the only things that you need to remember. Try to do it everyday. Keep positive!

With love,
Jenene

This is mine

Hmm, how do I feel? Well, I am pretty happy with life right now. I bought tickets to a couple of concerts that are coming up. One is one of my favorite bands, Passion Pit. Makes me want to get up and dance when I hear them. They make me very happy. Let's see, politics aren't to be discussed, since I might offend someone. Ha, I so don't care. My opinion is my opinion, and you can keep yours. I do educate myself. I stay up with current news. I read a lot. I don't have my blinders on. So that being said. I think that Paul Ryan is the worst choice for Mitt. I have never so strongly disliked a candidate. I think the last time that I was pro-life was when I was 16, even before I could vote. By the time that I was 18 I was pro-choice. Could you imagine someone trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do with my body. Ya, like that would happen. Let's think about this, what if I wasn't able to get birth control because it is morally wrong. I wonder how many kids I would have and how many baby daddies. I mean really. No kids and stable or kids and probably needing some state assistance. It really isn't that hard of a choice. Now that I don't have to worry about that, it is onto the next thing. Healthcare! Alright, this is to all my friends that are my age. Listen to this. I was on Medicare when I was in the hospital. They lowered the cost of medications and also covered different bills. It was a life saver. So, when you hear about Medicare, it isn't just for the old. You are going to need it at some point in your life. Also, pre-existing conditions. If I ever work at another place, with Obamacare in place I don't have to worry about being denied insurance. But if it gets turned over then I will always have to worry if I will be able to. It is unlikely that I would be able since I had a life threaten disease. I can't even get life insurance for 7 to 10 years. Oops, sorry honey. Think about your future and your kids future. Do you have a will? Do you have a form with the hospital saying when it is okay for you to be saved and when to stop saving you? What is something happened to you tomorrow and your kid was left alone? Who would they go to? Just because we are "young" we have to think about the hard things in life. Does someone have the passwords to your bills, email, and bank accounts?
Did you know that much about stem cell transplants? Without the testing they would be able to cure diseases. I might not have been successful with my transplant.
What is all my point to this? From the time that you are born to the time that you die that politics are going to be apart of your life. Educate yourself. Be a voter! Make choices on what you think, not what I think.
Oh by the way, this is my blog. :-)

Writing to release

Even though it has only been a couple of hours since my last blog. My mind has had the time to wonder. I sit in the dark of my bedroom with the lights off with spa like music playing in my ears. It sends me in to relaxation. I spray my pillows down with lavender. I put dry lavender underneath my pillow. I take nice slow breaths and close my eyes and imagine that I am laying on the beach some where warm.  Not a tropical place where you would most go to but the Carolinas. I have never been but for years I have always pictured that to be my relaxing spot. I see the birds fly over to take my stress away. I listen to myself breathing and finally with all the music so softly playing in my ears. I can be fully relaxed and go to sleep.

Everyone needs to find that place where you can be yourself and not be afraid. Most of us live in some sort of fear. I fear when I get on a plane that something is going to happen. After a couple of drinks and some anxiety meds I am good to go. My biggest fear is not having control. No, what do you say, me a control freak. Yes I am! I like routine.   I like for things to be the same. I like to plan things out. I don't like surprises. But really am I any different than you? Fear is not something that we want to live in but because of movies and media we tend to over think things and let the fear start to eat at us. So back to my relaxing...what do I do with these fears. I put them into beach balls, makes sense since I pick myself being at the beach. I fill those beach balls up and I hit them as hard as I can out into the water. Sometimes they come back and I have to deal with those fears, but that is okay because it is apart of life.

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about someone. Five, four, three....

Did you think of yourself? Why not? Do you do something for yourself once a day? Most of us were raised to be the caregivers. I know that I was. I was 9 years old when I stopped going to daycare and stayed at home with Charlene who was 7 at the time. I was so little but so mighty. I could take care of my family. I made sure that we never used more than 3 square of toilet paper at a time. We had to save money wherever we could. So, with this ability to take great care of others, did I learn how to make myself important? I sure didn't. Does that make us selfish if we put ourselves first? Now many of you will say that your child will come first before you. Remember I will never understand that. I will never have that feeling of being a mother. But it doesn't matter, man or woman we need to make time for ourselves even if that means going to Baskin Robbins and getting ice cream for only yourself. Getting yourself a massage, by the way I did that last week and I loved it. I need one every week but that is far too expensive. Still I went out and did something for myself. I was at the store yesterday and I bought myself some new scissors and a tape measure to see just how around I have gotten. Well that doesn't sound like I have treated myself, but really what that means I am setting goal for myself, not anyone else, not even Ross. He doesn't care what I look like. He has seen me at my worst, but I want to look my best.

So think about this, what do you do for yourself? Remember this too...we come into this world alone and we die alone. Two guarantee in life, taxes and death. Thank you Ben. Let's not worry about tomorrow but work on how we are going to make today a better day.

I have recently started a bucket list, it's small but it is a start. I don't think that I am too young to start one. One day I hope to have my journey published. I wonder how many of my close friends could even guess one of things on my list and it can't be Boston. LOL.

Let's go back to the beach and curl my toes in the white powder soft sand. Laying down with the sun beating down on my face. Letting the warmth sun overcome by body with happiness and joy. Just to be in the moment. Taking the time to stop and take the world in. You can't hear anything around you except the light wind and the crashing of the waves. Then you look up and you see the beach balls that you have hit into the ocean have gotten so small because instead of coming back they are headed out to sea for you never to see them again. Getting the feeling of relief that this day has come that you can put your fears out to sea and they are never coming back.

Love,
Jenene

Hello world!

Last time I blogged I had fallen down the stairs at my house. This time I was just trying to help Ross carry a table downstairs and by the time I was done I couldn't breathe. By 2 am I could barely move. I am very happy that I can take meds right away and not suffer. I didn't go to work because how much pain I was in. I rated it at 9 out of 10 on the pain level. What is my body doing to me? I am so old on the inside then what my mind is. I am sure that I repeat myself over and over again because the battle seems to never end.
Okay, lets talk about something that is super personal. Sex, is it true that as you get older your sex drive goes down. If you sexual peak for woman is 30, then I should right on track. But from all the treatment they told me that I would lose my drive. I was thinking that they were crazy, that would never happen to me. Oh but it did. Not okay! Gone just like that. Closed, shut down. Not coming back. It is so sad. Well I can take hormones and bring everything back to life. It isn't worth is because of the chance of getting cancer again. But you know what? Ross and I have one of the most sexual relationships that I know. He makes me feel so loved.  We were given a challenge at a much younger age and we found a way to be close and have that spark every day. It is the most amazing feeling to wake up every day and know that I have someone that loves me whole-hardheartedly. Sex doesn't mean getting it wet, it means making that other person feel special and in that moment there is no one else but just the two of you.
I recently heard that someone and their partner were discussing 401k and what they need to save and I thought to myself, wow, I worry about writing my will and not making long term plans more than 2 years out. Do you even realize how one day everything can change? Most of you won't have that experience. Another cancer survivor said that she wished that everyone would have to go through something so difficult to have full appreciation for life. I kind of have the same wish, but realize it doesn't always make a better person.
I am counting down the days until my next bone marrow biospy, to tell me if I have leukemia again. It is the reason that I have been so stressed the past couple of months. I have 31 days from now. Then I probably have to wait another week to get the news.
How the hell am I supposed to keep that smile on my face. It is so hard to not play the what if games. Last time I was told, it was sudden and had to be dealt with right away but this time if it come back with bad news, will I do all the treatment again. Will I get in my car and never come back? All these different thought good and bad going through my mind all the time. Every day I think about cancer, every time I take medication I think about cancer. Every time my knee starts to give me trouble I think about cancer. Looking in the mirror I think about cancer. It is ALWAYS on my mind. It is amazing that I am able to get so much done at work and stay focused. The people at work at the ones that keep me sane. They keep me busy with my mind. I forgot to set up billing for a group, this was probably the first time in 3 years. If I would have gone to work instead of calling in sick I would have caught it and there would haven't been a problem. I state that I am not perfect and take responiblilty for my mistakes. I own my mistakes. You should too! Stop pretending to be someone that you aren't.
I have made my list and am ready to fufill it. Are you? Are you doing what you love? I love change
but hate it all in the same breath. 
So you to I say this "Hello world, don't mess with me while I ride this high." with a smile on my face looking to the sun!

Love,
Jenene

July 31st - another step forward

I went to the doctor today. I am so happy that I am able to get off some of my medications. It is a great day today. I love being able to look to the future even if it is only two weeks away.

It has been way too long

I haven't written in so long I forgot that it is such a great release of stress. What do you say? Stress? I have once again become so stressed out with life that I am making myself sick again. It has since passed, because once I know what the problem is I try to fix it right away. When the time comes, and it will be in a few months I will go into greater detail of all of my stress. Then you will wonder how I manage even to stay happy.
I was talking to a co-worker today about speaking in front of people and how sometimes it makes me nervous to talk in front of my co-workers but when I talk in front of a large crowd it is so different and easier. I have been praised for the strength that has gotten me through this journey. I don't know where I find it but I do. I keep telling myself to live in the moment and make the most out of everything. I love my life so much, I am so happy to get up everyday and go to work. I am sure most you can't say that. I truly do love the job that I do. Okay, this is totally not where I was going with this. So back to my co-worker and positive thinking, I told her that negative thoughts are just as easy. I have been going to therapy since before I had my transplant and wow she is amazing. I told her that all that I gone through had made me a better person and that I didn't have an anger issues. I think I am in a 12 step program without actually being in one. My mentality is not all pink roses and rainbows. I seem to some how by the end of the day get over my issues and climb into bed with a smile on my face because I am alive! This is for my sister, I know that she will read this, and she will surely tell that I told you so, but the first step is admitting, I might have a little of an anger problem. I am good at controlling. I show little remorse to others and I can't fight with my body because I am too weak, but I have a nasty tongue and will say things that you wouldn't ever thought to be said. When it is all over I don't feel bad but better that I did it. My voice is the most powerful thing that I have. I choose to use it wisely, which has only come with age.
I have decided after one training that I wasn't able to do a half marathon. I am prone to falling and injuring myself very easily. I have messed up my knee and am not sure of the long term effects of it. With all of the issues mentally and physically in the last couple of months, I mean my new issues. My attitude hasn't been all the best. Today has been a turn back to the positive. I was asked by OHSU to tell my story about young adults with cancer. As all of you know, I love to talk and tell my story. I have been come friends with a woman that is biking across the US to raise money and awareness for young adults with cancer. So that is what I plan to do, instead of trying to do a marathon or something that is going to wear me out, I am going to use my voice to get across to as many people as I can. I am very passionate about leukemia and the side effects. Why are young adults statistics not changing? Why is our survival rate so low? I hope that in my life time there will be a cure for some sort of cancer. Just one would be great, but really it is the side effects of all the medications that we have to take. Moving forward, my attitiude will be better and just in time for another baby to be born. I can't wait for little Rocky to come. Hello, Jayme! What is his name? I will call him Rocky for the rest of his life, ha! Just kidding.
Do you think of someone every day that gives you inspiration? I look within myself for my strength and always am thinking about Benjamin Franklin. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention him. It is all about choices. My choose to get out of bed everyday and go to work. Sometimes I choose to stay in bed all day. I choose to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to become a doctor. The average age for a doctor is 56 and the average for nurse is 53. What? Really? I got my doctor to really go off about healthcare. It was very intresting and sad. I feel like I could be a doctor with all the things that I know about leukemia but that isn't who I want to be. Inspiration is such a great word. What will inspire you to make a difference? I had to learn the hard way, which most of us do. Make your life worth living. Don't be afraid. If I can battle cancer then you can do anything.
Did you know that my chance of getting cancer is ten fold compared to a woman that is the same age? Did you know that I have been set into menopause and is causing me to lose my bone density? Or how about that my kidney and liver are always going to have to be watched and if I have a few drinks that it will make my liver look like I am an achololic? My body at anytime, for the rest of my life, can come down with GVHD? I have already had it twice in my first year of recovery. Oh, the curly hair thing isn't cute, it is annoying. My two biggest complaints have to be memory loss and fatigue. It drives me crazy that I can't remember things and I hate being tired all the time. These two things won't get better with time. I have accepted these things and that is why I am able to live a happy life and not live in fear anymore. I was so afraid of the sun, I am going to get skin cancer if I go in the sun. Well, if I stay in all the time, that will cause other health issues. So you see I can't be afraid of what might happen. Today is today and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ross is next to me and that is where I am happiest.
I won't take so long to post a new blog...lots of exciting things are in the future.
Love always,
Jenene

It is almost a year

I am really looking forward to going on vacation on May 24th for a whole week, well okay, 6 days but close enough. Ross and I will be celebrating my 1st birthday while we are there. I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I received my transplant. Oh boy how that year has been a big one for me.

I was thinking back to when I was in the hospital for the first month and half and wasn't able to have any contact with anyone. I completely had forgotten about that. I wanted a real kiss, but could only kiss through the mask. Everyone having to wear gloves and not being able to really touch anyone. It is amazing all the people that came and saw me. It is still the most that 14k has ever had for how many visitors came to visit one person. I am so thankful for all the support that I got during that time. A year later and I am having the same food cravings, pizza, cereal, and ice cream. Weird!! They aren't uncommon foods, but still.

Last week was my first time that I worked a full week. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I did. I even worked a 12 hour shift. I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday, it made me realize that I am not 100%. I couldn't get my emotions under control. All I wanted to do was run out of the office and go see my therapist. She is such a lifesaver. I didn't get to see her last week, I am going to have plenty to talk about when I see her next week. My current fight with myself is that my mind is only 30, I want to push and push the limits but don't know where that limit is. I have cut back on somethings, and it brings me to tears to feel like I am failing because I can't do it all. My body is that of an 80 year old woman. When Friday hits I am in bed by 8pm at the latest. It makes me sad to not be able to go out and be like the rest of my friends and everyone I know. Then I sleep for 12 hours or more. I want to be normal and be able to be me again. I love that I have the support from other cancer survivors. Shout out to Oncology Youth Connection!!! Look them up and feel free to donate to them. They are amazing!! It makes me realize that I have a long road ahead of me and I need to stop trying to rush things.

That is me...the little rabbit that could. When you have been through what I have been through, all you want to do is live. Each person is different with how they handle things, and I want to travel. I don't want to be sitting at home every weekend. Then the reality sets in,  I am no longer the rabbit but more of a turtle. My mind says go, my body says sleep!! This is my daily dilemma. Soon, I hope, I will find that happy medium. I still feel like an jerk for getting so emotional last week but I really couldn't handle it. I have a backbone now, I have more confidence than I did before, yet I can't handle the additional stress on top of the stress that the normal day to day. I wish that it didn't make me feel like a failure not being able to do everything that I used to. I am the hardest person on myself and want perfection, damn you Stephen, you have made me want to be a perfectionist. I am not really mad at Stephen, he has been one of my biggest supporters and the best boss ever. He is so wise and knows when I need to be reminded that I need to take it easy. Again, it hasn't even been a year since my transplant. I amaze myself, and know I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to go back to work the week I got out of the hospital. I keep pressing them to let me, luckily, I have a really smart doctor that knows me well enough to keep telling me no until he is ready.

So being the rabbit that I will be again. I am going to start training for the Portland half walking marathon in October. I will need donations and this will be a tax write off. I am setting a goal for myself that is reachable!
Here is the link.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503

If you need more information please feel free to email me at jmphilips503@hotmail.com or text 503.341.3498

I miss a lot of you and would love to catch up.

Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene

Don't take this personally...

I went to the doctor today, but not my favorite oncologist, but a new one for my adrenal glands. I thought it was going to be more exciting. I was hoping that I would get off of the prednisone and would be put on a new medication that would allow me to loose my puffy face and belly. I sure was disappointed to learn the the new steroid has the same effects. I am hoping that even though they might have the same effects, that it will still be different since the prednisone is so hard on the body. I am going to be training for the half marathon in October and don't need anymore speed bumps in the road. I have to lower my dose of prednisone very slowly and the switch. Why can't the doctors tell you what can happen to you after a transplant? Granted there probably is about 100 things that "could" happen, but really it would have been nice to know the different parts of my body were going to act up. I guess because there are so many things that can happen, why scare the patient? The hardest part is dealing with the emotions that are ALWAYS running through my mind. I went and saw my therapist today and she reviewed all the things that we had talked about in the last couple of weeks. I honestly feel like I change my mind everyday. I am not sure if other cancer survivors feel the same, but you have this mentality that you want everything to happen now because you live in the fear of the cancer coming back. I really don't like fear and I have overcome a lot of things because of what I had to go through. The future is so unknown that it makes me want to make all my decisions today. Which then causes me to change my mind everyday. So not only does my body struggle but my poor mind struggles right along with it.

I got my review yesterday and it went well. One of the questions that my boss wanted to know is where I want to go with my career. He said that I didn't need to answer the question right away or even in the next 6 months. Currently my mind set is to stay put and go on as many vacations that I can. I might not be able to leave the country right now but there is plenty of the United States to see. Oh how I want to go and see Boston. I think about it all the time. Do I want to stay in hotels or move over to something that has to do with leukemia and lymphoma? I am not ready to answer that question yet. I told him that I would stay put for the next 2 years, but don't think that in those 2 years that I won't still be learning more about hotels and sales.

With all that has happened to me, I have become less sympathetic and I know this. I will work on this because my therapist says that I need to and I know that she is right. I also have become more aggressive in the decisions that make even if I change my mind. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but if you know me that is who I am. I don't think that I have been come the type A personality but am very close.  Let's take this back a few years. I was 17, and I wanted nothing more than to move up and be a manager. I worked so hard, I knew everything about that hotel. I did what a normal front desk person wouldn't do. I was a go getter! Then I got to be the manager at the age of 22. I couldn't believe it, I was in charge of 17 people. I was so proud of myself but then it became too much for me. I had a shitty boss and I do blame him for a lot because, well he sucked! I ended up getting fired but that was the only way I was going to leave. I went out and partied it up afterwards. I was so happy to be done with that job. About 2 months later is when Colin died and that like I said before was the beginning of my downward spiral. Then 2 months after that I was robbed at gun point. The messed up part was the guy told me that he was doing because his son had cancer. He didn't have a son that had cancer. I worked that job for another 2 years after that happened because I was determined to not let it affect my life. It really did though and for a long time. I was scared all the time, I couldn't be alone. I had a hard time going to the store by myself. All the trauma had made me a meek and timid person. I second guessed myself all the time. I need approval for everything that I did. It wasn't until this year, 2012, six years later that I was finally able to go out to a restaurant by myself. I seriously had never done that in all of my 30 years. I have once again became that strong person that I was before. I really never lost the go getter mentality, but it is back in full force. I am not intimidated by anyone anymore. I stand my ground and have a backbone. Yay me!! I am still a very caring person but when someone dies don't make me feel guilty for living. It isn't my fault that they died and that I lived. It really makes me feel awful, because I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to lose someone and all the pain that it causes. Cancer has no age and death has no age. Life is sad, I get it.  Learn to live in the moment and not make such a big deal about the small things. It just isn't worth it. I feel like I got on my soap box a little. I just have to release my feeling because I don't need them all trapped inside of me. I am constantly changing and dealing with what I went through, so I hope that I don't offend you, but if I do then you really don't know me.  Oh yeah, that is the other thing I have to learn again, the filter. Damn it I have been keeping my mouth shut for the last 6 years. Guess what?? I have an opinion on everything and I want to be heard!!! I hope that none of you ever have to go through what I have because well it sucked, but remember this, cancer makes you realize what is really important in your life. Cancer is not short term, it might be gone but won't EVER be out of my life.

I stated earlier that I am going to do the Portland half marathon in October that means that I am doing Team In Training. I will be asking for your support once again. I need to raise $1500 at the very lowest. I haven't set a personal goal yet. I hope that everyone can contribute so that we can find a cure and not make people have to take these meds that cause so many problems. Here is the link for my fundraising page.

http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503

Tomorrow I meet with the general manger and HR to start not one but two new committees. I am starting a care committee to boost team morale. I know, not everyone can be positive all the time, thank you Trina, but a little treat each week or once a month really makes people smile. I do want to give back to the hotel that has been so great to me. I have a meeting to attend tonight to try to get the Heathman become a corporate team for Team In Training. I just need two more people to sign up that work at the hotel. I will get to that on a later date. For now this is enough.

Life is grand!

Over the last few months I have taken you through what I went through in the hospital and the emotions that I felt. Since January I have come close to be hospitalized once, which isn't all the bad. I am starting to go to the doctors only twice a month which is huge since I used to go every week up until 2 weeks ago. I can't tell you how many times my arms have been poked. I was starting to miss my port, but not really. I rather keep getting poked then have that thing in again. I am going to see a specialist on the 17th for the adrenal glands. I have already done the testing that they need, now it is time to get on a medication that I can stay on. BTW, I HATE steroids. My dad doesn't like it when I say hate, but this one drug has done all sorts of damage to my body. Hopefully I will be able to get my body back to being 30 and not feel like an 80 year old. Then again it is another steroid that I will be going on and probably have to take for the rest of my life. But as long as I am living that is the important part.

The blog is one way for me to release what I am thinking and not worry about having to hear anything back. The emotional drain that I go through on a daily basis is crazy. I am sure that is why I am on half the medications that I am. I went back to work after being gone 10 months. Really? 10 month is all that it took me to go back to work. I must have been really bored at home, just kidding. I haven't heard of anyone going back to work that quick. I have this fire in me to do my best, I lost it a while ago but I found it. I carry myself with confidence and grace, ha-ha, just kidding again. I have no grace, that is why I fall down all the time. I am ready for the summer and all that it has to bring. I hope that I don't have the fear of traveling again like I did in February.  I am going to be going to Vegas again but this tie for Ross' birthday. Just the 2 of us. Of course I will spend time with my sister and brother-in-law but most of the time will be spent at the pool.

Seriously, I went from wanting to buy a house and settle down to wanting to get out and see the world or the United States at least. I can't travel out of the country for a while. Just this week I found out that it would probably be a couple of years before I get my shots. That is the thing, I go to work, I eat and drink just like everyone else but I have all these pills that I have to take and worry about my skin all the time. I want to forget for a day that I don't have to deal with this everyday of my life. I never forget but I am going to make the most of it. I keep my positive attitude, keep smiling, don't let the small things bother me. Every once in a while I do want to punch someone, but instead I try my hardest to put it behind me because it isn't worth it. Still a couple of weeks after dealing with a certain guest I still get angry thinking about him. I should call him and his assistant up and tell them what I have gone through and play my cancer card. I rarely ever do that. I am not a survivor I am a warrior who is still battling. I would love to be the pink warrior but I think that people would think that I had breast cancer. I guess I will be the orange warrior, the other pink.

So, here I sit on Easter, thankful for my life, but I am not a religious person, because there is no one that got me through this than myself. I believe that I did this on my own, damn it that makes me one strong ass person. Sure, I give lots of credit to the doctors and drugs, but I was the one that had to be mentally strong enough to come through on the other side. Being on the other side is just as difficult, with all the daily drama, but it so worth it. What is the point of this blog? Maybe one day I will figure that out until then I will keep typing away for everyone to read.

Giving credit

Why is it that I am giving credit to everyone else but myself? It just isn't me to take the full credit, but I guess that it is time for me to take the credit. I should realize that I had to find it within myself to beat this cancer and that no one else was going to do it for me. I am trying to still understand all that I have gone through. It is hard to realize a year ago that I was in a hospital and really just beginning my journey.  So how do I take credit, I guess by enjoying my life everyday. Most people say that they couldn't have done what I have done. Was I really given a choice? I don't feel like I was but I guess that I was.
I sit and think a lot about the past, present and future. I wonder what is going to happen in the next couple of years. Where did I find the strength to beat this? When something happens to me, how can I continue to only let it get to me a little bit? These aren't what if kind of questions, the answers are inside of me but I don't know what they are. From day one when I found out, I really didn't even cry that much. One of my co-workers reminded me that when I told her that night, that I was easy going about it and wasn't telling her the truth. I wish I hadn't been telling her the truth and it wasn't really happening. It's funny how a person's mind can handle so much if you are strong enough to handle it.
I was looking in my year book today for someone that works with my mom and decided to read the comments. I might be strong, but man do I have a soft heart. Because I promised myself that I would put it all out there, I will share with what I read, but not word for word. My ex-boyfriend Colin wrote that he is was sorry for all the sh** his then girlfriend put me through and to not hold it against forever. It struck me, forever! That is a really long time, and it made me start to cry. No matter what happened in the past, believe me he was forgiven and I never held it against him. When he did pass away we were still friends and that was 5 years after all the drama had happened. I wish he would have fought for his life like I did. I would love to pick up the phone and call him. Maybe that is part of why I have taken this so easily and been so determained. I wasn't going to be the same!!! I can't tell you how many times after he passed away that I would go out and get drunk out of my mind, then lose it and cry for hours on end. I am not a perfect person that has been happy all the time with a great attitude. I am happy now because of what I have gone through to get me to this point in my life. Feeling that heartache is nothing like I had felt before. I literally could feel the pain in my heart and that is why so many times in the last year that I have told myself, you can't give up because you can't hurt the people that know you. I couldn't let anyone else feel that heartache that I did. I have taken that pain and turned it into something positive. I have looked at leukemia as a lesson and not as a cancer. I was given this cancer because I can handle what it brings and I won't let it knock me down. I refuse to let it have a handle on my life. I control what happens to me. I give speeches to people now, because the more that are aware of cancer and what it does to your life the better. I hope for a big impact on their lives. If I can show one person that life is short, take risks, and enjoy all the small things then I have succeeded. I want to take his death and me getting the same awful cancer and make good of it. The people that knew Colin knew what a great guy he was and that he was taken too young, but he has given me the strength to fight for my life because I refused to have his outcome. There was not a chance that I was going to die. I only had like a 30% chance of beating this. I think that even might be a little high on the percentage. I give my 100% into everything that I do and since this was my life on the line, it was going to give my 200%. So, why don't I take the credit for what I have gone through, because I truely believe that I have gotten my strength from others that have passed. They are my angels.

The What If's??

What if none of this had happened, where would my life be today?

It has only be a year since I was diagnosed with Leukemia and so much has changed in a way that I never saw coming. First, most of you don't know this but Ross and I broke up the night before I was diagnosed. When I was diagnosed he was given the option to leave by both of my parents. So, what would have happened with Ross and I if I hadn't got diagnosed?
Where would everyone lives be?
The change that was forced upon us, did I take it with grace or fall flat on my face?
The chain reaction that I caused, will I always feel guilty for messing up my family and friends lives?
Am I stronger person for fighting for my life or was it luck that things landed the way that they did?
Do you know what it is like to be in a relationship and not be able to kiss them, because he had to wear a mask, gown, and gloves? It SUCKS! No direct contact with anyone, gives me a very lonely state of mind. Do you know what it like to be worried all the time that you are going to catch some one's cough or flu? How about the sun? Everyone loves to be out in the sun! If I am in the sun, certain medications will have a bad reaction and I could possibly get GVHD again.
What if the cancer comes back or I get a new form of cancer? Will I ever be able to travel abroad without having anxiety of catching something on the plane?
Will I always have to wear a mask on the plane?
What would my attitude be? My outlook on life has changed so much. I don't see getting cancer as a blessing but rather just a challenge that I had to overcome to give me a real chace at living. I am sure that I will still have anxiety problems.
Would I still be letting my co-workers walk all over me?
Did I really get a backbone to stand up to people while I was in the hospital?
How could this one thing change me so much?
Did I let the leukemia change me on purpose?
The biggest question is: why did it happen to me? I will never know the answer and I am fine with it.
Why is it whenever I am watching TV and they are talking about a relative of someone, the person has been diagnosed with leukemia? I already was aware of the cancer, but it seems to be out in the media much more.

What if I wasn't in the hospital when I had my seizures? That is a pretty easy answer, I would have died just like a friend of my sister's. It is that plain and simple.

What if I hadn't gone into remission and my sister wasn't my match?
Would I still be in the hospital?
Would have I died at this point?
What if I didn't care about having a long life and went out and partied like it was my last day to live?
Who would I be today?
What if my ex-boyfriend hadn't died and given me the strength to fight this battle since he didn't fight for his life?
What if I wasn't diagnosed, would have I wanted children? With that choice taken away, I have a new hole in my heart that makes me not want to be around kids, because it hurts to know that will never be me. I can't relate to new mommies and will always feel left out. Over time I am sure that it will get better, but how long will that take?


I could simply be a memory.
I could have continued live in my bubble with no substance, with no happiness insight.
I would have like to believe that Ross and I would have worked it out but at that point in my life I was ready for change and I wanted him to be apart of it, but he wasn't ready.
If I hadn't been diagnosed I would be in a financial hole still.
I miss my own room and having the time to myself, but now wouldn't change anything. But I know I would still be living by myself.
I would have continued to let people walk over me.
I would have still be intimidated by a lot of people.
I wouldn't have had the passion to get involved with TNT and OYC.


What have I taken from this?
I have true love and full trust with Ross.
I have no problem telling people what I feel and knowing that my mind is made up.
I have learned to put my health as my number one!
I have learned to not take life so seriously.
I have learned to control my stress.
I am able to speak in front of large crowds.
I have made some great friends along the journey and lost some friends.
I feel like I can take on the world, and have no fears.

The leukemia has given me a chance to live again with a whole new body that I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror. Some of me is still the same but most of the new me, is new.

So, what if these things had happened?

There are no what if''s, because we don't look in the past for the answers. I am only moving forward with my life.

Update on Health since the 22nd

I am sure that everyone has been worried about my health. I think that I have been more worried about my health. I was worried that I was going to have to be hospitalized because I came down with GVHD of the stomach again. I was afraid that I was going to miss work for a while. Without even getting GVHD I still missed two weeks of work. I live for my happiness and being able to work and my job really brings me happiness. I feel like a failure when I am not able to work. It has been a really long two weeks and come this Tuesday the 6th will be three weeks since I have tried my hardest to figure out what was wrong with me. There was several different symptoms that could be causing what was wrong with me. Recently, I was slowly taken off of prednisone which is a steroid that does a lot of good and a lot of bad to the body. List of the withdrawals that it may cause; joint pain, muscle pain, fatigue, headache, fever, low blood pressure, nausea and vomiting. Out of the seven symptoms that were possible, I had everyone but the fever. I couldn't believe that I was having to go through this again. The feeling of being so weak, barely able to walk, barely able to breathe, and everything hurting. I wanted answers and I wanted them fast. Like the last post said we went to the ER and they found nothing. I will have to say that ER doctors that have not a lot of experience with cancer patients makes for a much long hospital stay. :-( Not a lot of fun. I was getting sick and not able to keep my fluids down and keep my meds down. I felt like I was at square one for the 20th time. Oh my battle, as many of you know with life, 2 steps forward, 1 step back and so forth. With all the things that I have had to deal with I still, today don't think I am in charge of my health and don't understand why everything keeps happening. It is hard on my body and on my mind. I am always determined to find out what is wrong until I feel well. Almost two weeks after I started with all the issues, we are close but don't have an answer to what is wrong with me. I am worry about my co-workers everyday and feel bad for missing a day. I feel like I am letting down so many people. If I could have gotten out of bed and went to work then I would have. I know that I am going to get to better each and everyday. I haven't lost my positive attitude. I am still thankful everyday to be alive. I think about all the people that have helped me over the past year everyday on my way to work or the clinic. With all that is going on it is the small things that matter to me most. The love that I get from Ross, his hugs, his kisses, the things talking about our future. I love it when it is sunny outside, the flowers are starting to bloom. A good meal at home with my family. Even going out to for a meal with the family and having a great conversation. A stranger smiling at you as you walk down the road. I hope to brighten your day with a smile and not a tear. I will end it with this...Time heals all wounds.

New Blogs from Jenene - Update from Today - February 22nd.

So we had an incident today where she was having severe back pain issues and contacted the OHSU Clinic and they told her to come to the Emergency Room. We went and waited while they drew blood, gave her an EKG (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrocardiography) and then sent her for CT Scan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CT_Scan) to check to see uf she may have had a blood clot in her lungs, or pneumonia, or something that is causing her back pains. All the tests came back negative. They also had her take a Urine Analysis, and it came back with a slightly elevated white blood count.

She is supposed to take it easy tomorrow and then we will go to the Clinic on Friday to check with them (blood draw, labs, etc...).

She has been keeping up with her blog every few days. Please see it here: http://neeners-updates.blogspot.com/.

If you would like contact her, either text or call her, or visit her on her Facebook Page (https://www.facebook.com/jenene.philips) or email (jmphilips503@hotmail.com)

Thanks,

Ross Youngman

The 100 day mark.

Why is 100 days so important? For a cancer patient, it means that you get some freedom back and don't have to be watched 24 hours a day. My mom planned a great trip to the beach. My 100th day was September 8th. Charlene was going to fly in from Vegas and of course Ross and Scott were going to be going as well. While I was in the hospital I would get on the computer and look at things that we could do at the beach. I wrote everything down that I wanted to do. That was my new thing, writing and planning for the future since my memories were a bit fuzzy. The beach trip was wonderful because I was actually out of Portland. Ross and I still worried that something could happen. That feeling doesn't really go away. My family has been so kind and the beach trip was just what I needed. Now that I have made you feel all warm and fuzzy. Don't worry I didn't have any tramatic things happen in September. That doesn't mean that it was a walk in the park and that's the thing. I was barely able to walk and when I got out of the hospital around the the middle of August so when the 100 days came around it really wasn't my 100 days. I have been challenged every couple of months that has set me back. I keep pushing and pushing for a better me. I actually am challenged everyday with something by the body, mind and soul. For me the next couple of months went by without really any problems. I was really pushing to go back to work, but the doctor wouldn't let me. I am really thankful for the doctor that I have because he makes me really think about things and knows me better than I do myself.