I went to the doctor today. I am so happy that I am able to get off some of my medications. It is a great day today. I love being able to look to the future even if it is only two weeks away.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
It has been way too long
I haven't written in so long I forgot that it is such a great release of stress. What do you say? Stress? I have once again become so stressed out with life that I am making myself sick again. It has since passed, because once I know what the problem is I try to fix it right away. When the time comes, and it will be in a few months I will go into greater detail of all of my stress. Then you will wonder how I manage even to stay happy.
I was talking to a co-worker today about speaking in front of people and how sometimes it makes me nervous to talk in front of my co-workers but when I talk in front of a large crowd it is so different and easier. I have been praised for the strength that has gotten me through this journey. I don't know where I find it but I do. I keep telling myself to live in the moment and make the most out of everything. I love my life so much, I am so happy to get up everyday and go to work. I am sure most you can't say that. I truly do love the job that I do. Okay, this is totally not where I was going with this. So back to my co-worker and positive thinking, I told her that negative thoughts are just as easy. I have been going to therapy since before I had my transplant and wow she is amazing. I told her that all that I gone through had made me a better person and that I didn't have an anger issues. I think I am in a 12 step program without actually being in one. My mentality is not all pink roses and rainbows. I seem to some how by the end of the day get over my issues and climb into bed with a smile on my face because I am alive! This is for my sister, I know that she will read this, and she will surely tell that I told you so, but the first step is admitting, I might have a little of an anger problem. I am good at controlling. I show little remorse to others and I can't fight with my body because I am too weak, but I have a nasty tongue and will say things that you wouldn't ever thought to be said. When it is all over I don't feel bad but better that I did it. My voice is the most powerful thing that I have. I choose to use it wisely, which has only come with age.
I have decided after one training that I wasn't able to do a half marathon. I am prone to falling and injuring myself very easily. I have messed up my knee and am not sure of the long term effects of it. With all of the issues mentally and physically in the last couple of months, I mean my new issues. My attitude hasn't been all the best. Today has been a turn back to the positive. I was asked by OHSU to tell my story about young adults with cancer. As all of you know, I love to talk and tell my story. I have been come friends with a woman that is biking across the US to raise money and awareness for young adults with cancer. So that is what I plan to do, instead of trying to do a marathon or something that is going to wear me out, I am going to use my voice to get across to as many people as I can. I am very passionate about leukemia and the side effects. Why are young adults statistics not changing? Why is our survival rate so low? I hope that in my life time there will be a cure for some sort of cancer. Just one would be great, but really it is the side effects of all the medications that we have to take. Moving forward, my attitiude will be better and just in time for another baby to be born. I can't wait for little Rocky to come. Hello, Jayme! What is his name? I will call him Rocky for the rest of his life, ha! Just kidding.
Do you think of someone every day that gives you inspiration? I look within myself for my strength and always am thinking about Benjamin Franklin. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention him. It is all about choices. My choose to get out of bed everyday and go to work. Sometimes I choose to stay in bed all day. I choose to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to become a doctor. The average age for a doctor is 56 and the average for nurse is 53. What? Really? I got my doctor to really go off about healthcare. It was very intresting and sad. I feel like I could be a doctor with all the things that I know about leukemia but that isn't who I want to be. Inspiration is such a great word. What will inspire you to make a difference? I had to learn the hard way, which most of us do. Make your life worth living. Don't be afraid. If I can battle cancer then you can do anything.
Did you know that my chance of getting cancer is ten fold compared to a woman that is the same age? Did you know that I have been set into menopause and is causing me to lose my bone density? Or how about that my kidney and liver are always going to have to be watched and if I have a few drinks that it will make my liver look like I am an achololic? My body at anytime, for the rest of my life, can come down with GVHD? I have already had it twice in my first year of recovery. Oh, the curly hair thing isn't cute, it is annoying. My two biggest complaints have to be memory loss and fatigue. It drives me crazy that I can't remember things and I hate being tired all the time. These two things won't get better with time. I have accepted these things and that is why I am able to live a happy life and not live in fear anymore. I was so afraid of the sun, I am going to get skin cancer if I go in the sun. Well, if I stay in all the time, that will cause other health issues. So you see I can't be afraid of what might happen. Today is today and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ross is next to me and that is where I am happiest.
I won't take so long to post a new blog...lots of exciting things are in the future.
Love always,
Jenene
I was talking to a co-worker today about speaking in front of people and how sometimes it makes me nervous to talk in front of my co-workers but when I talk in front of a large crowd it is so different and easier. I have been praised for the strength that has gotten me through this journey. I don't know where I find it but I do. I keep telling myself to live in the moment and make the most out of everything. I love my life so much, I am so happy to get up everyday and go to work. I am sure most you can't say that. I truly do love the job that I do. Okay, this is totally not where I was going with this. So back to my co-worker and positive thinking, I told her that negative thoughts are just as easy. I have been going to therapy since before I had my transplant and wow she is amazing. I told her that all that I gone through had made me a better person and that I didn't have an anger issues. I think I am in a 12 step program without actually being in one. My mentality is not all pink roses and rainbows. I seem to some how by the end of the day get over my issues and climb into bed with a smile on my face because I am alive! This is for my sister, I know that she will read this, and she will surely tell that I told you so, but the first step is admitting, I might have a little of an anger problem. I am good at controlling. I show little remorse to others and I can't fight with my body because I am too weak, but I have a nasty tongue and will say things that you wouldn't ever thought to be said. When it is all over I don't feel bad but better that I did it. My voice is the most powerful thing that I have. I choose to use it wisely, which has only come with age.
I have decided after one training that I wasn't able to do a half marathon. I am prone to falling and injuring myself very easily. I have messed up my knee and am not sure of the long term effects of it. With all of the issues mentally and physically in the last couple of months, I mean my new issues. My attitude hasn't been all the best. Today has been a turn back to the positive. I was asked by OHSU to tell my story about young adults with cancer. As all of you know, I love to talk and tell my story. I have been come friends with a woman that is biking across the US to raise money and awareness for young adults with cancer. So that is what I plan to do, instead of trying to do a marathon or something that is going to wear me out, I am going to use my voice to get across to as many people as I can. I am very passionate about leukemia and the side effects. Why are young adults statistics not changing? Why is our survival rate so low? I hope that in my life time there will be a cure for some sort of cancer. Just one would be great, but really it is the side effects of all the medications that we have to take. Moving forward, my attitiude will be better and just in time for another baby to be born. I can't wait for little Rocky to come. Hello, Jayme! What is his name? I will call him Rocky for the rest of his life, ha! Just kidding.
Do you think of someone every day that gives you inspiration? I look within myself for my strength and always am thinking about Benjamin Franklin. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention him. It is all about choices. My choose to get out of bed everyday and go to work. Sometimes I choose to stay in bed all day. I choose to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to become a doctor. The average age for a doctor is 56 and the average for nurse is 53. What? Really? I got my doctor to really go off about healthcare. It was very intresting and sad. I feel like I could be a doctor with all the things that I know about leukemia but that isn't who I want to be. Inspiration is such a great word. What will inspire you to make a difference? I had to learn the hard way, which most of us do. Make your life worth living. Don't be afraid. If I can battle cancer then you can do anything.
Did you know that my chance of getting cancer is ten fold compared to a woman that is the same age? Did you know that I have been set into menopause and is causing me to lose my bone density? Or how about that my kidney and liver are always going to have to be watched and if I have a few drinks that it will make my liver look like I am an achololic? My body at anytime, for the rest of my life, can come down with GVHD? I have already had it twice in my first year of recovery. Oh, the curly hair thing isn't cute, it is annoying. My two biggest complaints have to be memory loss and fatigue. It drives me crazy that I can't remember things and I hate being tired all the time. These two things won't get better with time. I have accepted these things and that is why I am able to live a happy life and not live in fear anymore. I was so afraid of the sun, I am going to get skin cancer if I go in the sun. Well, if I stay in all the time, that will cause other health issues. So you see I can't be afraid of what might happen. Today is today and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ross is next to me and that is where I am happiest.
I won't take so long to post a new blog...lots of exciting things are in the future.
Love always,
Jenene
Monday, May 7, 2012
It is almost a year
I am really looking forward to going on vacation on May 24th for a whole week, well okay, 6 days but close enough. Ross and I will be celebrating my 1st birthday while we are there. I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I received my transplant. Oh boy how that year has been a big one for me.
I was thinking back to when I was in the hospital for the first month and half and wasn't able to have any contact with anyone. I completely had forgotten about that. I wanted a real kiss, but could only kiss through the mask. Everyone having to wear gloves and not being able to really touch anyone. It is amazing all the people that came and saw me. It is still the most that 14k has ever had for how many visitors came to visit one person. I am so thankful for all the support that I got during that time. A year later and I am having the same food cravings, pizza, cereal, and ice cream. Weird!! They aren't uncommon foods, but still.
Last week was my first time that I worked a full week. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I did. I even worked a 12 hour shift. I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday, it made me realize that I am not 100%. I couldn't get my emotions under control. All I wanted to do was run out of the office and go see my therapist. She is such a lifesaver. I didn't get to see her last week, I am going to have plenty to talk about when I see her next week. My current fight with myself is that my mind is only 30, I want to push and push the limits but don't know where that limit is. I have cut back on somethings, and it brings me to tears to feel like I am failing because I can't do it all. My body is that of an 80 year old woman. When Friday hits I am in bed by 8pm at the latest. It makes me sad to not be able to go out and be like the rest of my friends and everyone I know. Then I sleep for 12 hours or more. I want to be normal and be able to be me again. I love that I have the support from other cancer survivors. Shout out to Oncology Youth Connection!!! Look them up and feel free to donate to them. They are amazing!! It makes me realize that I have a long road ahead of me and I need to stop trying to rush things.
That is me...the little rabbit that could. When you have been through what I have been through, all you want to do is live. Each person is different with how they handle things, and I want to travel. I don't want to be sitting at home every weekend. Then the reality sets in, I am no longer the rabbit but more of a turtle. My mind says go, my body says sleep!! This is my daily dilemma. Soon, I hope, I will find that happy medium. I still feel like an jerk for getting so emotional last week but I really couldn't handle it. I have a backbone now, I have more confidence than I did before, yet I can't handle the additional stress on top of the stress that the normal day to day. I wish that it didn't make me feel like a failure not being able to do everything that I used to. I am the hardest person on myself and want perfection, damn you Stephen, you have made me want to be a perfectionist. I am not really mad at Stephen, he has been one of my biggest supporters and the best boss ever. He is so wise and knows when I need to be reminded that I need to take it easy. Again, it hasn't even been a year since my transplant. I amaze myself, and know I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to go back to work the week I got out of the hospital. I keep pressing them to let me, luckily, I have a really smart doctor that knows me well enough to keep telling me no until he is ready.
So being the rabbit that I will be again. I am going to start training for the Portland half walking marathon in October. I will need donations and this will be a tax write off. I am setting a goal for myself that is reachable!
Here is the link.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
If you need more information please feel free to email me at jmphilips503@hotmail.com or text 503.341.3498
I miss a lot of you and would love to catch up.
Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene
I was thinking back to when I was in the hospital for the first month and half and wasn't able to have any contact with anyone. I completely had forgotten about that. I wanted a real kiss, but could only kiss through the mask. Everyone having to wear gloves and not being able to really touch anyone. It is amazing all the people that came and saw me. It is still the most that 14k has ever had for how many visitors came to visit one person. I am so thankful for all the support that I got during that time. A year later and I am having the same food cravings, pizza, cereal, and ice cream. Weird!! They aren't uncommon foods, but still.
Last week was my first time that I worked a full week. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I did. I even worked a 12 hour shift. I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday, it made me realize that I am not 100%. I couldn't get my emotions under control. All I wanted to do was run out of the office and go see my therapist. She is such a lifesaver. I didn't get to see her last week, I am going to have plenty to talk about when I see her next week. My current fight with myself is that my mind is only 30, I want to push and push the limits but don't know where that limit is. I have cut back on somethings, and it brings me to tears to feel like I am failing because I can't do it all. My body is that of an 80 year old woman. When Friday hits I am in bed by 8pm at the latest. It makes me sad to not be able to go out and be like the rest of my friends and everyone I know. Then I sleep for 12 hours or more. I want to be normal and be able to be me again. I love that I have the support from other cancer survivors. Shout out to Oncology Youth Connection!!! Look them up and feel free to donate to them. They are amazing!! It makes me realize that I have a long road ahead of me and I need to stop trying to rush things.
That is me...the little rabbit that could. When you have been through what I have been through, all you want to do is live. Each person is different with how they handle things, and I want to travel. I don't want to be sitting at home every weekend. Then the reality sets in, I am no longer the rabbit but more of a turtle. My mind says go, my body says sleep!! This is my daily dilemma. Soon, I hope, I will find that happy medium. I still feel like an jerk for getting so emotional last week but I really couldn't handle it. I have a backbone now, I have more confidence than I did before, yet I can't handle the additional stress on top of the stress that the normal day to day. I wish that it didn't make me feel like a failure not being able to do everything that I used to. I am the hardest person on myself and want perfection, damn you Stephen, you have made me want to be a perfectionist. I am not really mad at Stephen, he has been one of my biggest supporters and the best boss ever. He is so wise and knows when I need to be reminded that I need to take it easy. Again, it hasn't even been a year since my transplant. I amaze myself, and know I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to go back to work the week I got out of the hospital. I keep pressing them to let me, luckily, I have a really smart doctor that knows me well enough to keep telling me no until he is ready.
So being the rabbit that I will be again. I am going to start training for the Portland half walking marathon in October. I will need donations and this will be a tax write off. I am setting a goal for myself that is reachable!
Here is the link.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
If you need more information please feel free to email me at jmphilips503@hotmail.com or text 503.341.3498
I miss a lot of you and would love to catch up.
Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Don't take this personally...
I went to the doctor today, but not my favorite oncologist, but a new one for my adrenal glands. I thought it was going to be more exciting. I was hoping that I would get off of the prednisone and would be put on a new medication that would allow me to loose my puffy face and belly. I sure was disappointed to learn the the new steroid has the same effects. I am hoping that even though they might have the same effects, that it will still be different since the prednisone is so hard on the body. I am going to be training for the half marathon in October and don't need anymore speed bumps in the road. I have to lower my dose of prednisone very slowly and the switch. Why can't the doctors tell you what can happen to you after a transplant? Granted there probably is about 100 things that "could" happen, but really it would have been nice to know the different parts of my body were going to act up. I guess because there are so many things that can happen, why scare the patient? The hardest part is dealing with the emotions that are ALWAYS running through my mind. I went and saw my therapist today and she reviewed all the things that we had talked about in the last couple of weeks. I honestly feel like I change my mind everyday. I am not sure if other cancer survivors feel the same, but you have this mentality that you want everything to happen now because you live in the fear of the cancer coming back. I really don't like fear and I have overcome a lot of things because of what I had to go through. The future is so unknown that it makes me want to make all my decisions today. Which then causes me to change my mind everyday. So not only does my body struggle but my poor mind struggles right along with it.
I got my review yesterday and it went well. One of the questions that my boss wanted to know is where I want to go with my career. He said that I didn't need to answer the question right away or even in the next 6 months. Currently my mind set is to stay put and go on as many vacations that I can. I might not be able to leave the country right now but there is plenty of the United States to see. Oh how I want to go and see Boston. I think about it all the time. Do I want to stay in hotels or move over to something that has to do with leukemia and lymphoma? I am not ready to answer that question yet. I told him that I would stay put for the next 2 years, but don't think that in those 2 years that I won't still be learning more about hotels and sales.
With all that has happened to me, I have become less sympathetic and I know this. I will work on this because my therapist says that I need to and I know that she is right. I also have become more aggressive in the decisions that make even if I change my mind. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but if you know me that is who I am. I don't think that I have been come the type A personality but am very close. Let's take this back a few years. I was 17, and I wanted nothing more than to move up and be a manager. I worked so hard, I knew everything about that hotel. I did what a normal front desk person wouldn't do. I was a go getter! Then I got to be the manager at the age of 22. I couldn't believe it, I was in charge of 17 people. I was so proud of myself but then it became too much for me. I had a shitty boss and I do blame him for a lot because, well he sucked! I ended up getting fired but that was the only way I was going to leave. I went out and partied it up afterwards. I was so happy to be done with that job. About 2 months later is when Colin died and that like I said before was the beginning of my downward spiral. Then 2 months after that I was robbed at gun point. The messed up part was the guy told me that he was doing because his son had cancer. He didn't have a son that had cancer. I worked that job for another 2 years after that happened because I was determined to not let it affect my life. It really did though and for a long time. I was scared all the time, I couldn't be alone. I had a hard time going to the store by myself. All the trauma had made me a meek and timid person. I second guessed myself all the time. I need approval for everything that I did. It wasn't until this year, 2012, six years later that I was finally able to go out to a restaurant by myself. I seriously had never done that in all of my 30 years. I have once again became that strong person that I was before. I really never lost the go getter mentality, but it is back in full force. I am not intimidated by anyone anymore. I stand my ground and have a backbone. Yay me!! I am still a very caring person but when someone dies don't make me feel guilty for living. It isn't my fault that they died and that I lived. It really makes me feel awful, because I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to lose someone and all the pain that it causes. Cancer has no age and death has no age. Life is sad, I get it. Learn to live in the moment and not make such a big deal about the small things. It just isn't worth it. I feel like I got on my soap box a little. I just have to release my feeling because I don't need them all trapped inside of me. I am constantly changing and dealing with what I went through, so I hope that I don't offend you, but if I do then you really don't know me. Oh yeah, that is the other thing I have to learn again, the filter. Damn it I have been keeping my mouth shut for the last 6 years. Guess what?? I have an opinion on everything and I want to be heard!!! I hope that none of you ever have to go through what I have because well it sucked, but remember this, cancer makes you realize what is really important in your life. Cancer is not short term, it might be gone but won't EVER be out of my life.
I stated earlier that I am going to do the Portland half marathon in October that means that I am doing Team In Training. I will be asking for your support once again. I need to raise $1500 at the very lowest. I haven't set a personal goal yet. I hope that everyone can contribute so that we can find a cure and not make people have to take these meds that cause so many problems. Here is the link for my fundraising page.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
Tomorrow I meet with the general manger and HR to start not one but two new committees. I am starting a care committee to boost team morale. I know, not everyone can be positive all the time, thank you Trina, but a little treat each week or once a month really makes people smile. I do want to give back to the hotel that has been so great to me. I have a meeting to attend tonight to try to get the Heathman become a corporate team for Team In Training. I just need two more people to sign up that work at the hotel. I will get to that on a later date. For now this is enough.
I got my review yesterday and it went well. One of the questions that my boss wanted to know is where I want to go with my career. He said that I didn't need to answer the question right away or even in the next 6 months. Currently my mind set is to stay put and go on as many vacations that I can. I might not be able to leave the country right now but there is plenty of the United States to see. Oh how I want to go and see Boston. I think about it all the time. Do I want to stay in hotels or move over to something that has to do with leukemia and lymphoma? I am not ready to answer that question yet. I told him that I would stay put for the next 2 years, but don't think that in those 2 years that I won't still be learning more about hotels and sales.
With all that has happened to me, I have become less sympathetic and I know this. I will work on this because my therapist says that I need to and I know that she is right. I also have become more aggressive in the decisions that make even if I change my mind. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but if you know me that is who I am. I don't think that I have been come the type A personality but am very close. Let's take this back a few years. I was 17, and I wanted nothing more than to move up and be a manager. I worked so hard, I knew everything about that hotel. I did what a normal front desk person wouldn't do. I was a go getter! Then I got to be the manager at the age of 22. I couldn't believe it, I was in charge of 17 people. I was so proud of myself but then it became too much for me. I had a shitty boss and I do blame him for a lot because, well he sucked! I ended up getting fired but that was the only way I was going to leave. I went out and partied it up afterwards. I was so happy to be done with that job. About 2 months later is when Colin died and that like I said before was the beginning of my downward spiral. Then 2 months after that I was robbed at gun point. The messed up part was the guy told me that he was doing because his son had cancer. He didn't have a son that had cancer. I worked that job for another 2 years after that happened because I was determined to not let it affect my life. It really did though and for a long time. I was scared all the time, I couldn't be alone. I had a hard time going to the store by myself. All the trauma had made me a meek and timid person. I second guessed myself all the time. I need approval for everything that I did. It wasn't until this year, 2012, six years later that I was finally able to go out to a restaurant by myself. I seriously had never done that in all of my 30 years. I have once again became that strong person that I was before. I really never lost the go getter mentality, but it is back in full force. I am not intimidated by anyone anymore. I stand my ground and have a backbone. Yay me!! I am still a very caring person but when someone dies don't make me feel guilty for living. It isn't my fault that they died and that I lived. It really makes me feel awful, because I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to lose someone and all the pain that it causes. Cancer has no age and death has no age. Life is sad, I get it. Learn to live in the moment and not make such a big deal about the small things. It just isn't worth it. I feel like I got on my soap box a little. I just have to release my feeling because I don't need them all trapped inside of me. I am constantly changing and dealing with what I went through, so I hope that I don't offend you, but if I do then you really don't know me. Oh yeah, that is the other thing I have to learn again, the filter. Damn it I have been keeping my mouth shut for the last 6 years. Guess what?? I have an opinion on everything and I want to be heard!!! I hope that none of you ever have to go through what I have because well it sucked, but remember this, cancer makes you realize what is really important in your life. Cancer is not short term, it might be gone but won't EVER be out of my life.
I stated earlier that I am going to do the Portland half marathon in October that means that I am doing Team In Training. I will be asking for your support once again. I need to raise $1500 at the very lowest. I haven't set a personal goal yet. I hope that everyone can contribute so that we can find a cure and not make people have to take these meds that cause so many problems. Here is the link for my fundraising page.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
Tomorrow I meet with the general manger and HR to start not one but two new committees. I am starting a care committee to boost team morale. I know, not everyone can be positive all the time, thank you Trina, but a little treat each week or once a month really makes people smile. I do want to give back to the hotel that has been so great to me. I have a meeting to attend tonight to try to get the Heathman become a corporate team for Team In Training. I just need two more people to sign up that work at the hotel. I will get to that on a later date. For now this is enough.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Life is grand!
Over the last few months I have taken you through what I went through in the hospital and the emotions that I felt. Since January I have come close to be hospitalized once, which isn't all the bad. I am starting to go to the doctors only twice a month which is huge since I used to go every week up until 2 weeks ago. I can't tell you how many times my arms have been poked. I was starting to miss my port, but not really. I rather keep getting poked then have that thing in again. I am going to see a specialist on the 17th for the adrenal glands. I have already done the testing that they need, now it is time to get on a medication that I can stay on. BTW, I HATE steroids. My dad doesn't like it when I say hate, but this one drug has done all sorts of damage to my body. Hopefully I will be able to get my body back to being 30 and not feel like an 80 year old. Then again it is another steroid that I will be going on and probably have to take for the rest of my life. But as long as I am living that is the important part.
The blog is one way for me to release what I am thinking and not worry about having to hear anything back. The emotional drain that I go through on a daily basis is crazy. I am sure that is why I am on half the medications that I am. I went back to work after being gone 10 months. Really? 10 month is all that it took me to go back to work. I must have been really bored at home, just kidding. I haven't heard of anyone going back to work that quick. I have this fire in me to do my best, I lost it a while ago but I found it. I carry myself with confidence and grace, ha-ha, just kidding again. I have no grace, that is why I fall down all the time. I am ready for the summer and all that it has to bring. I hope that I don't have the fear of traveling again like I did in February. I am going to be going to Vegas again but this tie for Ross' birthday. Just the 2 of us. Of course I will spend time with my sister and brother-in-law but most of the time will be spent at the pool.
Seriously, I went from wanting to buy a house and settle down to wanting to get out and see the world or the United States at least. I can't travel out of the country for a while. Just this week I found out that it would probably be a couple of years before I get my shots. That is the thing, I go to work, I eat and drink just like everyone else but I have all these pills that I have to take and worry about my skin all the time. I want to forget for a day that I don't have to deal with this everyday of my life. I never forget but I am going to make the most of it. I keep my positive attitude, keep smiling, don't let the small things bother me. Every once in a while I do want to punch someone, but instead I try my hardest to put it behind me because it isn't worth it. Still a couple of weeks after dealing with a certain guest I still get angry thinking about him. I should call him and his assistant up and tell them what I have gone through and play my cancer card. I rarely ever do that. I am not a survivor I am a warrior who is still battling. I would love to be the pink warrior but I think that people would think that I had breast cancer. I guess I will be the orange warrior, the other pink.
So, here I sit on Easter, thankful for my life, but I am not a religious person, because there is no one that got me through this than myself. I believe that I did this on my own, damn it that makes me one strong ass person. Sure, I give lots of credit to the doctors and drugs, but I was the one that had to be mentally strong enough to come through on the other side. Being on the other side is just as difficult, with all the daily drama, but it so worth it. What is the point of this blog? Maybe one day I will figure that out until then I will keep typing away for everyone to read.
The blog is one way for me to release what I am thinking and not worry about having to hear anything back. The emotional drain that I go through on a daily basis is crazy. I am sure that is why I am on half the medications that I am. I went back to work after being gone 10 months. Really? 10 month is all that it took me to go back to work. I must have been really bored at home, just kidding. I haven't heard of anyone going back to work that quick. I have this fire in me to do my best, I lost it a while ago but I found it. I carry myself with confidence and grace, ha-ha, just kidding again. I have no grace, that is why I fall down all the time. I am ready for the summer and all that it has to bring. I hope that I don't have the fear of traveling again like I did in February. I am going to be going to Vegas again but this tie for Ross' birthday. Just the 2 of us. Of course I will spend time with my sister and brother-in-law but most of the time will be spent at the pool.
Seriously, I went from wanting to buy a house and settle down to wanting to get out and see the world or the United States at least. I can't travel out of the country for a while. Just this week I found out that it would probably be a couple of years before I get my shots. That is the thing, I go to work, I eat and drink just like everyone else but I have all these pills that I have to take and worry about my skin all the time. I want to forget for a day that I don't have to deal with this everyday of my life. I never forget but I am going to make the most of it. I keep my positive attitude, keep smiling, don't let the small things bother me. Every once in a while I do want to punch someone, but instead I try my hardest to put it behind me because it isn't worth it. Still a couple of weeks after dealing with a certain guest I still get angry thinking about him. I should call him and his assistant up and tell them what I have gone through and play my cancer card. I rarely ever do that. I am not a survivor I am a warrior who is still battling. I would love to be the pink warrior but I think that people would think that I had breast cancer. I guess I will be the orange warrior, the other pink.
So, here I sit on Easter, thankful for my life, but I am not a religious person, because there is no one that got me through this than myself. I believe that I did this on my own, damn it that makes me one strong ass person. Sure, I give lots of credit to the doctors and drugs, but I was the one that had to be mentally strong enough to come through on the other side. Being on the other side is just as difficult, with all the daily drama, but it so worth it. What is the point of this blog? Maybe one day I will figure that out until then I will keep typing away for everyone to read.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Giving credit
Why is it that I am giving credit to everyone else but myself? It just isn't me to take the full credit, but I guess that it is time for me to take the credit. I should realize that I had to find it within myself to beat this cancer and that no one else was going to do it for me. I am trying to still understand all that I have gone through. It is hard to realize a year ago that I was in a hospital and really just beginning my journey. So how do I take credit, I guess by enjoying my life everyday. Most people say that they couldn't have done what I have done. Was I really given a choice? I don't feel like I was but I guess that I was.
I sit and think a lot about the past, present and future. I wonder what is going to happen in the next couple of years. Where did I find the strength to beat this? When something happens to me, how can I continue to only let it get to me a little bit? These aren't what if kind of questions, the answers are inside of me but I don't know what they are. From day one when I found out, I really didn't even cry that much. One of my co-workers reminded me that when I told her that night, that I was easy going about it and wasn't telling her the truth. I wish I hadn't been telling her the truth and it wasn't really happening. It's funny how a person's mind can handle so much if you are strong enough to handle it.
I was looking in my year book today for someone that works with my mom and decided to read the comments. I might be strong, but man do I have a soft heart. Because I promised myself that I would put it all out there, I will share with what I read, but not word for word. My ex-boyfriend Colin wrote that he is was sorry for all the sh** his then girlfriend put me through and to not hold it against forever. It struck me, forever! That is a really long time, and it made me start to cry. No matter what happened in the past, believe me he was forgiven and I never held it against him. When he did pass away we were still friends and that was 5 years after all the drama had happened. I wish he would have fought for his life like I did. I would love to pick up the phone and call him. Maybe that is part of why I have taken this so easily and been so determained. I wasn't going to be the same!!! I can't tell you how many times after he passed away that I would go out and get drunk out of my mind, then lose it and cry for hours on end. I am not a perfect person that has been happy all the time with a great attitude. I am happy now because of what I have gone through to get me to this point in my life. Feeling that heartache is nothing like I had felt before. I literally could feel the pain in my heart and that is why so many times in the last year that I have told myself, you can't give up because you can't hurt the people that know you. I couldn't let anyone else feel that heartache that I did. I have taken that pain and turned it into something positive. I have looked at leukemia as a lesson and not as a cancer. I was given this cancer because I can handle what it brings and I won't let it knock me down. I refuse to let it have a handle on my life. I control what happens to me. I give speeches to people now, because the more that are aware of cancer and what it does to your life the better. I hope for a big impact on their lives. If I can show one person that life is short, take risks, and enjoy all the small things then I have succeeded. I want to take his death and me getting the same awful cancer and make good of it. The people that knew Colin knew what a great guy he was and that he was taken too young, but he has given me the strength to fight for my life because I refused to have his outcome. There was not a chance that I was going to die. I only had like a 30% chance of beating this. I think that even might be a little high on the percentage. I give my 100% into everything that I do and since this was my life on the line, it was going to give my 200%. So, why don't I take the credit for what I have gone through, because I truely believe that I have gotten my strength from others that have passed. They are my angels.
I sit and think a lot about the past, present and future. I wonder what is going to happen in the next couple of years. Where did I find the strength to beat this? When something happens to me, how can I continue to only let it get to me a little bit? These aren't what if kind of questions, the answers are inside of me but I don't know what they are. From day one when I found out, I really didn't even cry that much. One of my co-workers reminded me that when I told her that night, that I was easy going about it and wasn't telling her the truth. I wish I hadn't been telling her the truth and it wasn't really happening. It's funny how a person's mind can handle so much if you are strong enough to handle it.
I was looking in my year book today for someone that works with my mom and decided to read the comments. I might be strong, but man do I have a soft heart. Because I promised myself that I would put it all out there, I will share with what I read, but not word for word. My ex-boyfriend Colin wrote that he is was sorry for all the sh** his then girlfriend put me through and to not hold it against forever. It struck me, forever! That is a really long time, and it made me start to cry. No matter what happened in the past, believe me he was forgiven and I never held it against him. When he did pass away we were still friends and that was 5 years after all the drama had happened. I wish he would have fought for his life like I did. I would love to pick up the phone and call him. Maybe that is part of why I have taken this so easily and been so determained. I wasn't going to be the same!!! I can't tell you how many times after he passed away that I would go out and get drunk out of my mind, then lose it and cry for hours on end. I am not a perfect person that has been happy all the time with a great attitude. I am happy now because of what I have gone through to get me to this point in my life. Feeling that heartache is nothing like I had felt before. I literally could feel the pain in my heart and that is why so many times in the last year that I have told myself, you can't give up because you can't hurt the people that know you. I couldn't let anyone else feel that heartache that I did. I have taken that pain and turned it into something positive. I have looked at leukemia as a lesson and not as a cancer. I was given this cancer because I can handle what it brings and I won't let it knock me down. I refuse to let it have a handle on my life. I control what happens to me. I give speeches to people now, because the more that are aware of cancer and what it does to your life the better. I hope for a big impact on their lives. If I can show one person that life is short, take risks, and enjoy all the small things then I have succeeded. I want to take his death and me getting the same awful cancer and make good of it. The people that knew Colin knew what a great guy he was and that he was taken too young, but he has given me the strength to fight for my life because I refused to have his outcome. There was not a chance that I was going to die. I only had like a 30% chance of beating this. I think that even might be a little high on the percentage. I give my 100% into everything that I do and since this was my life on the line, it was going to give my 200%. So, why don't I take the credit for what I have gone through, because I truely believe that I have gotten my strength from others that have passed. They are my angels.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The What If's??
What if none of this had happened, where would my life be today?
It has only be a year since I was diagnosed with Leukemia and so much has changed in a way that I never saw coming. First, most of you don't know this but Ross and I broke up the night before I was diagnosed. When I was diagnosed he was given the option to leave by both of my parents. So, what would have happened with Ross and I if I hadn't got diagnosed?
Where would everyone lives be?
The change that was forced upon us, did I take it with grace or fall flat on my face?
The chain reaction that I caused, will I always feel guilty for messing up my family and friends lives?
Am I stronger person for fighting for my life or was it luck that things landed the way that they did?
Do you know what it is like to be in a relationship and not be able to kiss them, because he had to wear a mask, gown, and gloves? It SUCKS! No direct contact with anyone, gives me a very lonely state of mind. Do you know what it like to be worried all the time that you are going to catch some one's cough or flu? How about the sun? Everyone loves to be out in the sun! If I am in the sun, certain medications will have a bad reaction and I could possibly get GVHD again.
What if the cancer comes back or I get a new form of cancer? Will I ever be able to travel abroad without having anxiety of catching something on the plane?
Will I always have to wear a mask on the plane?
What would my attitude be? My outlook on life has changed so much. I don't see getting cancer as a blessing but rather just a challenge that I had to overcome to give me a real chace at living. I am sure that I will still have anxiety problems.
Would I still be letting my co-workers walk all over me?
Did I really get a backbone to stand up to people while I was in the hospital?
How could this one thing change me so much?
Did I let the leukemia change me on purpose?
The biggest question is: why did it happen to me? I will never know the answer and I am fine with it.
Why is it whenever I am watching TV and they are talking about a relative of someone, the person has been diagnosed with leukemia? I already was aware of the cancer, but it seems to be out in the media much more.
What if I wasn't in the hospital when I had my seizures? That is a pretty easy answer, I would have died just like a friend of my sister's. It is that plain and simple.
What if I hadn't gone into remission and my sister wasn't my match?
Would I still be in the hospital?
Would have I died at this point?
What if I didn't care about having a long life and went out and partied like it was my last day to live?
Who would I be today?
What if my ex-boyfriend hadn't died and given me the strength to fight this battle since he didn't fight for his life?
What if I wasn't diagnosed, would have I wanted children? With that choice taken away, I have a new hole in my heart that makes me not want to be around kids, because it hurts to know that will never be me. I can't relate to new mommies and will always feel left out. Over time I am sure that it will get better, but how long will that take?
I could simply be a memory.
I could have continued live in my bubble with no substance, with no happiness insight.
I would have like to believe that Ross and I would have worked it out but at that point in my life I was ready for change and I wanted him to be apart of it, but he wasn't ready.
If I hadn't been diagnosed I would be in a financial hole still.
I miss my own room and having the time to myself, but now wouldn't change anything. But I know I would still be living by myself.
I would have continued to let people walk over me.
I would have still be intimidated by a lot of people.
I wouldn't have had the passion to get involved with TNT and OYC.
What have I taken from this?
I have true love and full trust with Ross.
I have no problem telling people what I feel and knowing that my mind is made up.
I have learned to put my health as my number one!
I have learned to not take life so seriously.
I have learned to control my stress.
I am able to speak in front of large crowds.
I have made some great friends along the journey and lost some friends.
I feel like I can take on the world, and have no fears.
The leukemia has given me a chance to live again with a whole new body that I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror. Some of me is still the same but most of the new me, is new.
So, what if these things had happened?
There are no what if''s, because we don't look in the past for the answers. I am only moving forward with my life.
It has only be a year since I was diagnosed with Leukemia and so much has changed in a way that I never saw coming. First, most of you don't know this but Ross and I broke up the night before I was diagnosed. When I was diagnosed he was given the option to leave by both of my parents. So, what would have happened with Ross and I if I hadn't got diagnosed?
Where would everyone lives be?
The change that was forced upon us, did I take it with grace or fall flat on my face?
The chain reaction that I caused, will I always feel guilty for messing up my family and friends lives?
Am I stronger person for fighting for my life or was it luck that things landed the way that they did?
Do you know what it is like to be in a relationship and not be able to kiss them, because he had to wear a mask, gown, and gloves? It SUCKS! No direct contact with anyone, gives me a very lonely state of mind. Do you know what it like to be worried all the time that you are going to catch some one's cough or flu? How about the sun? Everyone loves to be out in the sun! If I am in the sun, certain medications will have a bad reaction and I could possibly get GVHD again.
What if the cancer comes back or I get a new form of cancer? Will I ever be able to travel abroad without having anxiety of catching something on the plane?
Will I always have to wear a mask on the plane?
What would my attitude be? My outlook on life has changed so much. I don't see getting cancer as a blessing but rather just a challenge that I had to overcome to give me a real chace at living. I am sure that I will still have anxiety problems.
Would I still be letting my co-workers walk all over me?
Did I really get a backbone to stand up to people while I was in the hospital?
How could this one thing change me so much?
Did I let the leukemia change me on purpose?
The biggest question is: why did it happen to me? I will never know the answer and I am fine with it.
Why is it whenever I am watching TV and they are talking about a relative of someone, the person has been diagnosed with leukemia? I already was aware of the cancer, but it seems to be out in the media much more.
What if I wasn't in the hospital when I had my seizures? That is a pretty easy answer, I would have died just like a friend of my sister's. It is that plain and simple.
What if I hadn't gone into remission and my sister wasn't my match?
Would I still be in the hospital?
Would have I died at this point?
What if I didn't care about having a long life and went out and partied like it was my last day to live?
Who would I be today?
What if my ex-boyfriend hadn't died and given me the strength to fight this battle since he didn't fight for his life?
What if I wasn't diagnosed, would have I wanted children? With that choice taken away, I have a new hole in my heart that makes me not want to be around kids, because it hurts to know that will never be me. I can't relate to new mommies and will always feel left out. Over time I am sure that it will get better, but how long will that take?
I could simply be a memory.
I could have continued live in my bubble with no substance, with no happiness insight.
I would have like to believe that Ross and I would have worked it out but at that point in my life I was ready for change and I wanted him to be apart of it, but he wasn't ready.
If I hadn't been diagnosed I would be in a financial hole still.
I miss my own room and having the time to myself, but now wouldn't change anything. But I know I would still be living by myself.
I would have continued to let people walk over me.
I would have still be intimidated by a lot of people.
I wouldn't have had the passion to get involved with TNT and OYC.
What have I taken from this?
I have true love and full trust with Ross.
I have no problem telling people what I feel and knowing that my mind is made up.
I have learned to put my health as my number one!
I have learned to not take life so seriously.
I have learned to control my stress.
I am able to speak in front of large crowds.
I have made some great friends along the journey and lost some friends.
I feel like I can take on the world, and have no fears.
The leukemia has given me a chance to live again with a whole new body that I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror. Some of me is still the same but most of the new me, is new.
So, what if these things had happened?
There are no what if''s, because we don't look in the past for the answers. I am only moving forward with my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)