Hmm, how do I feel? Well, I am pretty happy with life right now. I bought tickets to a couple of concerts that are coming up. One is one of my favorite bands, Passion Pit. Makes me want to get up and dance when I hear them. They make me very happy. Let's see, politics aren't to be discussed, since I might offend someone. Ha, I so don't care. My opinion is my opinion, and you can keep yours. I do educate myself. I stay up with current news. I read a lot. I don't have my blinders on. So that being said. I think that Paul Ryan is the worst choice for Mitt. I have never so strongly disliked a candidate. I think the last time that I was pro-life was when I was 16, even before I could vote. By the time that I was 18 I was pro-choice. Could you imagine someone trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do with my body. Ya, like that would happen. Let's think about this, what if I wasn't able to get birth control because it is morally wrong. I wonder how many kids I would have and how many baby daddies. I mean really. No kids and stable or kids and probably needing some state assistance. It really isn't that hard of a choice. Now that I don't have to worry about that, it is onto the next thing. Healthcare! Alright, this is to all my friends that are my age. Listen to this. I was on Medicare when I was in the hospital. They lowered the cost of medications and also covered different bills. It was a life saver. So, when you hear about Medicare, it isn't just for the old. You are going to need it at some point in your life. Also, pre-existing conditions. If I ever work at another place, with Obamacare in place I don't have to worry about being denied insurance. But if it gets turned over then I will always have to worry if I will be able to. It is unlikely that I would be able since I had a life threaten disease. I can't even get life insurance for 7 to 10 years. Oops, sorry honey. Think about your future and your kids future. Do you have a will? Do you have a form with the hospital saying when it is okay for you to be saved and when to stop saving you? What is something happened to you tomorrow and your kid was left alone? Who would they go to? Just because we are "young" we have to think about the hard things in life. Does someone have the passwords to your bills, email, and bank accounts?
Did you know that much about stem cell transplants? Without the testing they would be able to cure diseases. I might not have been successful with my transplant.
What is all my point to this? From the time that you are born to the time that you die that politics are going to be apart of your life. Educate yourself. Be a voter! Make choices on what you think, not what I think.
Oh by the way, this is my blog. :-)
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Writing to release
Even though it has only been a couple of hours since my last blog. My mind has had the time to wonder. I sit in the dark of my bedroom with the lights off with spa like music playing in my ears. It sends me in to relaxation. I spray my pillows down with lavender. I put dry lavender underneath my pillow. I take nice slow breaths and close my eyes and imagine that I am laying on the beach some where warm. Not a tropical place where you would most go to but the Carolinas. I have never been but for years I have always pictured that to be my relaxing spot. I see the birds fly over to take my stress away. I listen to myself breathing and finally with all the music so softly playing in my ears. I can be fully relaxed and go to sleep.
Everyone needs to find that place where you can be yourself and not be afraid. Most of us live in some sort of fear. I fear when I get on a plane that something is going to happen. After a couple of drinks and some anxiety meds I am good to go. My biggest fear is not having control. No, what do you say, me a control freak. Yes I am! I like routine. I like for things to be the same. I like to plan things out. I don't like surprises. But really am I any different than you? Fear is not something that we want to live in but because of movies and media we tend to over think things and let the fear start to eat at us. So back to my relaxing...what do I do with these fears. I put them into beach balls, makes sense since I pick myself being at the beach. I fill those beach balls up and I hit them as hard as I can out into the water. Sometimes they come back and I have to deal with those fears, but that is okay because it is apart of life.
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about someone. Five, four, three....
Did you think of yourself? Why not? Do you do something for yourself once a day? Most of us were raised to be the caregivers. I know that I was. I was 9 years old when I stopped going to daycare and stayed at home with Charlene who was 7 at the time. I was so little but so mighty. I could take care of my family. I made sure that we never used more than 3 square of toilet paper at a time. We had to save money wherever we could. So, with this ability to take great care of others, did I learn how to make myself important? I sure didn't. Does that make us selfish if we put ourselves first? Now many of you will say that your child will come first before you. Remember I will never understand that. I will never have that feeling of being a mother. But it doesn't matter, man or woman we need to make time for ourselves even if that means going to Baskin Robbins and getting ice cream for only yourself. Getting yourself a massage, by the way I did that last week and I loved it. I need one every week but that is far too expensive. Still I went out and did something for myself. I was at the store yesterday and I bought myself some new scissors and a tape measure to see just how around I have gotten. Well that doesn't sound like I have treated myself, but really what that means I am setting goal for myself, not anyone else, not even Ross. He doesn't care what I look like. He has seen me at my worst, but I want to look my best.
So think about this, what do you do for yourself? Remember this too...we come into this world alone and we die alone. Two guarantee in life, taxes and death. Thank you Ben. Let's not worry about tomorrow but work on how we are going to make today a better day.
I have recently started a bucket list, it's small but it is a start. I don't think that I am too young to start one. One day I hope to have my journey published. I wonder how many of my close friends could even guess one of things on my list and it can't be Boston. LOL.
Let's go back to the beach and curl my toes in the white powder soft sand. Laying down with the sun beating down on my face. Letting the warmth sun overcome by body with happiness and joy. Just to be in the moment. Taking the time to stop and take the world in. You can't hear anything around you except the light wind and the crashing of the waves. Then you look up and you see the beach balls that you have hit into the ocean have gotten so small because instead of coming back they are headed out to sea for you never to see them again. Getting the feeling of relief that this day has come that you can put your fears out to sea and they are never coming back.
Love,
Jenene
Everyone needs to find that place where you can be yourself and not be afraid. Most of us live in some sort of fear. I fear when I get on a plane that something is going to happen. After a couple of drinks and some anxiety meds I am good to go. My biggest fear is not having control. No, what do you say, me a control freak. Yes I am! I like routine. I like for things to be the same. I like to plan things out. I don't like surprises. But really am I any different than you? Fear is not something that we want to live in but because of movies and media we tend to over think things and let the fear start to eat at us. So back to my relaxing...what do I do with these fears. I put them into beach balls, makes sense since I pick myself being at the beach. I fill those beach balls up and I hit them as hard as I can out into the water. Sometimes they come back and I have to deal with those fears, but that is okay because it is apart of life.
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about someone. Five, four, three....
Did you think of yourself? Why not? Do you do something for yourself once a day? Most of us were raised to be the caregivers. I know that I was. I was 9 years old when I stopped going to daycare and stayed at home with Charlene who was 7 at the time. I was so little but so mighty. I could take care of my family. I made sure that we never used more than 3 square of toilet paper at a time. We had to save money wherever we could. So, with this ability to take great care of others, did I learn how to make myself important? I sure didn't. Does that make us selfish if we put ourselves first? Now many of you will say that your child will come first before you. Remember I will never understand that. I will never have that feeling of being a mother. But it doesn't matter, man or woman we need to make time for ourselves even if that means going to Baskin Robbins and getting ice cream for only yourself. Getting yourself a massage, by the way I did that last week and I loved it. I need one every week but that is far too expensive. Still I went out and did something for myself. I was at the store yesterday and I bought myself some new scissors and a tape measure to see just how around I have gotten. Well that doesn't sound like I have treated myself, but really what that means I am setting goal for myself, not anyone else, not even Ross. He doesn't care what I look like. He has seen me at my worst, but I want to look my best.
So think about this, what do you do for yourself? Remember this too...we come into this world alone and we die alone. Two guarantee in life, taxes and death. Thank you Ben. Let's not worry about tomorrow but work on how we are going to make today a better day.
I have recently started a bucket list, it's small but it is a start. I don't think that I am too young to start one. One day I hope to have my journey published. I wonder how many of my close friends could even guess one of things on my list and it can't be Boston. LOL.
Let's go back to the beach and curl my toes in the white powder soft sand. Laying down with the sun beating down on my face. Letting the warmth sun overcome by body with happiness and joy. Just to be in the moment. Taking the time to stop and take the world in. You can't hear anything around you except the light wind and the crashing of the waves. Then you look up and you see the beach balls that you have hit into the ocean have gotten so small because instead of coming back they are headed out to sea for you never to see them again. Getting the feeling of relief that this day has come that you can put your fears out to sea and they are never coming back.
Love,
Jenene
Hello world!
Last time I blogged I had fallen down the stairs at my house. This time I was just trying to help Ross carry a table downstairs and by the time I was done I couldn't breathe. By 2 am I could barely move. I am very happy that I can take meds right away and not suffer. I didn't go to work because how much pain I was in. I rated it at 9 out of 10 on the pain level. What is my body doing to me? I am so old on the inside then what my mind is. I am sure that I repeat myself over and over again because the battle seems to never end.
Okay, lets talk about something that is super personal. Sex, is it true that as you get older your sex drive goes down. If you sexual peak for woman is 30, then I should right on track. But from all the treatment they told me that I would lose my drive. I was thinking that they were crazy, that would never happen to me. Oh but it did. Not okay! Gone just like that. Closed, shut down. Not coming back. It is so sad. Well I can take hormones and bring everything back to life. It isn't worth is because of the chance of getting cancer again. But you know what? Ross and I have one of the most sexual relationships that I know. He makes me feel so loved. We were given a challenge at a much younger age and we found a way to be close and have that spark every day. It is the most amazing feeling to wake up every day and know that I have someone that loves me whole-hardheartedly. Sex doesn't mean getting it wet, it means making that other person feel special and in that moment there is no one else but just the two of you.
I recently heard that someone and their partner were discussing 401k and what they need to save and I thought to myself, wow, I worry about writing my will and not making long term plans more than 2 years out. Do you even realize how one day everything can change? Most of you won't have that experience. Another cancer survivor said that she wished that everyone would have to go through something so difficult to have full appreciation for life. I kind of have the same wish, but realize it doesn't always make a better person.
I am counting down the days until my next bone marrow biospy, to tell me if I have leukemia again. It is the reason that I have been so stressed the past couple of months. I have 31 days from now. Then I probably have to wait another week to get the news.
How the hell am I supposed to keep that smile on my face. It is so hard to not play the what if games. Last time I was told, it was sudden and had to be dealt with right away but this time if it come back with bad news, will I do all the treatment again. Will I get in my car and never come back? All these different thought good and bad going through my mind all the time. Every day I think about cancer, every time I take medication I think about cancer. Every time my knee starts to give me trouble I think about cancer. Looking in the mirror I think about cancer. It is ALWAYS on my mind. It is amazing that I am able to get so much done at work and stay focused. The people at work at the ones that keep me sane. They keep me busy with my mind. I forgot to set up billing for a group, this was probably the first time in 3 years. If I would have gone to work instead of calling in sick I would have caught it and there would haven't been a problem. I state that I am not perfect and take responiblilty for my mistakes. I own my mistakes. You should too! Stop pretending to be someone that you aren't.
I have made my list and am ready to fufill it. Are you? Are you doing what you love? I love change
but hate it all in the same breath.
So you to I say this "Hello world, don't mess with me while I ride this high." with a smile on my face looking to the sun!
Love,
Jenene
Okay, lets talk about something that is super personal. Sex, is it true that as you get older your sex drive goes down. If you sexual peak for woman is 30, then I should right on track. But from all the treatment they told me that I would lose my drive. I was thinking that they were crazy, that would never happen to me. Oh but it did. Not okay! Gone just like that. Closed, shut down. Not coming back. It is so sad. Well I can take hormones and bring everything back to life. It isn't worth is because of the chance of getting cancer again. But you know what? Ross and I have one of the most sexual relationships that I know. He makes me feel so loved. We were given a challenge at a much younger age and we found a way to be close and have that spark every day. It is the most amazing feeling to wake up every day and know that I have someone that loves me whole-hardheartedly. Sex doesn't mean getting it wet, it means making that other person feel special and in that moment there is no one else but just the two of you.
I recently heard that someone and their partner were discussing 401k and what they need to save and I thought to myself, wow, I worry about writing my will and not making long term plans more than 2 years out. Do you even realize how one day everything can change? Most of you won't have that experience. Another cancer survivor said that she wished that everyone would have to go through something so difficult to have full appreciation for life. I kind of have the same wish, but realize it doesn't always make a better person.
I am counting down the days until my next bone marrow biospy, to tell me if I have leukemia again. It is the reason that I have been so stressed the past couple of months. I have 31 days from now. Then I probably have to wait another week to get the news.
How the hell am I supposed to keep that smile on my face. It is so hard to not play the what if games. Last time I was told, it was sudden and had to be dealt with right away but this time if it come back with bad news, will I do all the treatment again. Will I get in my car and never come back? All these different thought good and bad going through my mind all the time. Every day I think about cancer, every time I take medication I think about cancer. Every time my knee starts to give me trouble I think about cancer. Looking in the mirror I think about cancer. It is ALWAYS on my mind. It is amazing that I am able to get so much done at work and stay focused. The people at work at the ones that keep me sane. They keep me busy with my mind. I forgot to set up billing for a group, this was probably the first time in 3 years. If I would have gone to work instead of calling in sick I would have caught it and there would haven't been a problem. I state that I am not perfect and take responiblilty for my mistakes. I own my mistakes. You should too! Stop pretending to be someone that you aren't.
I have made my list and am ready to fufill it. Are you? Are you doing what you love? I love change
but hate it all in the same breath.
So you to I say this "Hello world, don't mess with me while I ride this high." with a smile on my face looking to the sun!
Love,
Jenene
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
July 31st - another step forward
I went to the doctor today. I am so happy that I am able to get off some of my medications. It is a great day today. I love being able to look to the future even if it is only two weeks away.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
It has been way too long
I haven't written in so long I forgot that it is such a great release of stress. What do you say? Stress? I have once again become so stressed out with life that I am making myself sick again. It has since passed, because once I know what the problem is I try to fix it right away. When the time comes, and it will be in a few months I will go into greater detail of all of my stress. Then you will wonder how I manage even to stay happy.
I was talking to a co-worker today about speaking in front of people and how sometimes it makes me nervous to talk in front of my co-workers but when I talk in front of a large crowd it is so different and easier. I have been praised for the strength that has gotten me through this journey. I don't know where I find it but I do. I keep telling myself to live in the moment and make the most out of everything. I love my life so much, I am so happy to get up everyday and go to work. I am sure most you can't say that. I truly do love the job that I do. Okay, this is totally not where I was going with this. So back to my co-worker and positive thinking, I told her that negative thoughts are just as easy. I have been going to therapy since before I had my transplant and wow she is amazing. I told her that all that I gone through had made me a better person and that I didn't have an anger issues. I think I am in a 12 step program without actually being in one. My mentality is not all pink roses and rainbows. I seem to some how by the end of the day get over my issues and climb into bed with a smile on my face because I am alive! This is for my sister, I know that she will read this, and she will surely tell that I told you so, but the first step is admitting, I might have a little of an anger problem. I am good at controlling. I show little remorse to others and I can't fight with my body because I am too weak, but I have a nasty tongue and will say things that you wouldn't ever thought to be said. When it is all over I don't feel bad but better that I did it. My voice is the most powerful thing that I have. I choose to use it wisely, which has only come with age.
I have decided after one training that I wasn't able to do a half marathon. I am prone to falling and injuring myself very easily. I have messed up my knee and am not sure of the long term effects of it. With all of the issues mentally and physically in the last couple of months, I mean my new issues. My attitude hasn't been all the best. Today has been a turn back to the positive. I was asked by OHSU to tell my story about young adults with cancer. As all of you know, I love to talk and tell my story. I have been come friends with a woman that is biking across the US to raise money and awareness for young adults with cancer. So that is what I plan to do, instead of trying to do a marathon or something that is going to wear me out, I am going to use my voice to get across to as many people as I can. I am very passionate about leukemia and the side effects. Why are young adults statistics not changing? Why is our survival rate so low? I hope that in my life time there will be a cure for some sort of cancer. Just one would be great, but really it is the side effects of all the medications that we have to take. Moving forward, my attitiude will be better and just in time for another baby to be born. I can't wait for little Rocky to come. Hello, Jayme! What is his name? I will call him Rocky for the rest of his life, ha! Just kidding.
Do you think of someone every day that gives you inspiration? I look within myself for my strength and always am thinking about Benjamin Franklin. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention him. It is all about choices. My choose to get out of bed everyday and go to work. Sometimes I choose to stay in bed all day. I choose to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to become a doctor. The average age for a doctor is 56 and the average for nurse is 53. What? Really? I got my doctor to really go off about healthcare. It was very intresting and sad. I feel like I could be a doctor with all the things that I know about leukemia but that isn't who I want to be. Inspiration is such a great word. What will inspire you to make a difference? I had to learn the hard way, which most of us do. Make your life worth living. Don't be afraid. If I can battle cancer then you can do anything.
Did you know that my chance of getting cancer is ten fold compared to a woman that is the same age? Did you know that I have been set into menopause and is causing me to lose my bone density? Or how about that my kidney and liver are always going to have to be watched and if I have a few drinks that it will make my liver look like I am an achololic? My body at anytime, for the rest of my life, can come down with GVHD? I have already had it twice in my first year of recovery. Oh, the curly hair thing isn't cute, it is annoying. My two biggest complaints have to be memory loss and fatigue. It drives me crazy that I can't remember things and I hate being tired all the time. These two things won't get better with time. I have accepted these things and that is why I am able to live a happy life and not live in fear anymore. I was so afraid of the sun, I am going to get skin cancer if I go in the sun. Well, if I stay in all the time, that will cause other health issues. So you see I can't be afraid of what might happen. Today is today and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ross is next to me and that is where I am happiest.
I won't take so long to post a new blog...lots of exciting things are in the future.
Love always,
Jenene
I was talking to a co-worker today about speaking in front of people and how sometimes it makes me nervous to talk in front of my co-workers but when I talk in front of a large crowd it is so different and easier. I have been praised for the strength that has gotten me through this journey. I don't know where I find it but I do. I keep telling myself to live in the moment and make the most out of everything. I love my life so much, I am so happy to get up everyday and go to work. I am sure most you can't say that. I truly do love the job that I do. Okay, this is totally not where I was going with this. So back to my co-worker and positive thinking, I told her that negative thoughts are just as easy. I have been going to therapy since before I had my transplant and wow she is amazing. I told her that all that I gone through had made me a better person and that I didn't have an anger issues. I think I am in a 12 step program without actually being in one. My mentality is not all pink roses and rainbows. I seem to some how by the end of the day get over my issues and climb into bed with a smile on my face because I am alive! This is for my sister, I know that she will read this, and she will surely tell that I told you so, but the first step is admitting, I might have a little of an anger problem. I am good at controlling. I show little remorse to others and I can't fight with my body because I am too weak, but I have a nasty tongue and will say things that you wouldn't ever thought to be said. When it is all over I don't feel bad but better that I did it. My voice is the most powerful thing that I have. I choose to use it wisely, which has only come with age.
I have decided after one training that I wasn't able to do a half marathon. I am prone to falling and injuring myself very easily. I have messed up my knee and am not sure of the long term effects of it. With all of the issues mentally and physically in the last couple of months, I mean my new issues. My attitude hasn't been all the best. Today has been a turn back to the positive. I was asked by OHSU to tell my story about young adults with cancer. As all of you know, I love to talk and tell my story. I have been come friends with a woman that is biking across the US to raise money and awareness for young adults with cancer. So that is what I plan to do, instead of trying to do a marathon or something that is going to wear me out, I am going to use my voice to get across to as many people as I can. I am very passionate about leukemia and the side effects. Why are young adults statistics not changing? Why is our survival rate so low? I hope that in my life time there will be a cure for some sort of cancer. Just one would be great, but really it is the side effects of all the medications that we have to take. Moving forward, my attitiude will be better and just in time for another baby to be born. I can't wait for little Rocky to come. Hello, Jayme! What is his name? I will call him Rocky for the rest of his life, ha! Just kidding.
Do you think of someone every day that gives you inspiration? I look within myself for my strength and always am thinking about Benjamin Franklin. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention him. It is all about choices. My choose to get out of bed everyday and go to work. Sometimes I choose to stay in bed all day. I choose to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to become a doctor. The average age for a doctor is 56 and the average for nurse is 53. What? Really? I got my doctor to really go off about healthcare. It was very intresting and sad. I feel like I could be a doctor with all the things that I know about leukemia but that isn't who I want to be. Inspiration is such a great word. What will inspire you to make a difference? I had to learn the hard way, which most of us do. Make your life worth living. Don't be afraid. If I can battle cancer then you can do anything.
Did you know that my chance of getting cancer is ten fold compared to a woman that is the same age? Did you know that I have been set into menopause and is causing me to lose my bone density? Or how about that my kidney and liver are always going to have to be watched and if I have a few drinks that it will make my liver look like I am an achololic? My body at anytime, for the rest of my life, can come down with GVHD? I have already had it twice in my first year of recovery. Oh, the curly hair thing isn't cute, it is annoying. My two biggest complaints have to be memory loss and fatigue. It drives me crazy that I can't remember things and I hate being tired all the time. These two things won't get better with time. I have accepted these things and that is why I am able to live a happy life and not live in fear anymore. I was so afraid of the sun, I am going to get skin cancer if I go in the sun. Well, if I stay in all the time, that will cause other health issues. So you see I can't be afraid of what might happen. Today is today and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ross is next to me and that is where I am happiest.
I won't take so long to post a new blog...lots of exciting things are in the future.
Love always,
Jenene
Monday, May 7, 2012
It is almost a year
I am really looking forward to going on vacation on May 24th for a whole week, well okay, 6 days but close enough. Ross and I will be celebrating my 1st birthday while we are there. I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I received my transplant. Oh boy how that year has been a big one for me.
I was thinking back to when I was in the hospital for the first month and half and wasn't able to have any contact with anyone. I completely had forgotten about that. I wanted a real kiss, but could only kiss through the mask. Everyone having to wear gloves and not being able to really touch anyone. It is amazing all the people that came and saw me. It is still the most that 14k has ever had for how many visitors came to visit one person. I am so thankful for all the support that I got during that time. A year later and I am having the same food cravings, pizza, cereal, and ice cream. Weird!! They aren't uncommon foods, but still.
Last week was my first time that I worked a full week. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I did. I even worked a 12 hour shift. I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday, it made me realize that I am not 100%. I couldn't get my emotions under control. All I wanted to do was run out of the office and go see my therapist. She is such a lifesaver. I didn't get to see her last week, I am going to have plenty to talk about when I see her next week. My current fight with myself is that my mind is only 30, I want to push and push the limits but don't know where that limit is. I have cut back on somethings, and it brings me to tears to feel like I am failing because I can't do it all. My body is that of an 80 year old woman. When Friday hits I am in bed by 8pm at the latest. It makes me sad to not be able to go out and be like the rest of my friends and everyone I know. Then I sleep for 12 hours or more. I want to be normal and be able to be me again. I love that I have the support from other cancer survivors. Shout out to Oncology Youth Connection!!! Look them up and feel free to donate to them. They are amazing!! It makes me realize that I have a long road ahead of me and I need to stop trying to rush things.
That is me...the little rabbit that could. When you have been through what I have been through, all you want to do is live. Each person is different with how they handle things, and I want to travel. I don't want to be sitting at home every weekend. Then the reality sets in, I am no longer the rabbit but more of a turtle. My mind says go, my body says sleep!! This is my daily dilemma. Soon, I hope, I will find that happy medium. I still feel like an jerk for getting so emotional last week but I really couldn't handle it. I have a backbone now, I have more confidence than I did before, yet I can't handle the additional stress on top of the stress that the normal day to day. I wish that it didn't make me feel like a failure not being able to do everything that I used to. I am the hardest person on myself and want perfection, damn you Stephen, you have made me want to be a perfectionist. I am not really mad at Stephen, he has been one of my biggest supporters and the best boss ever. He is so wise and knows when I need to be reminded that I need to take it easy. Again, it hasn't even been a year since my transplant. I amaze myself, and know I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to go back to work the week I got out of the hospital. I keep pressing them to let me, luckily, I have a really smart doctor that knows me well enough to keep telling me no until he is ready.
So being the rabbit that I will be again. I am going to start training for the Portland half walking marathon in October. I will need donations and this will be a tax write off. I am setting a goal for myself that is reachable!
Here is the link.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
If you need more information please feel free to email me at jmphilips503@hotmail.com or text 503.341.3498
I miss a lot of you and would love to catch up.
Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene
I was thinking back to when I was in the hospital for the first month and half and wasn't able to have any contact with anyone. I completely had forgotten about that. I wanted a real kiss, but could only kiss through the mask. Everyone having to wear gloves and not being able to really touch anyone. It is amazing all the people that came and saw me. It is still the most that 14k has ever had for how many visitors came to visit one person. I am so thankful for all the support that I got during that time. A year later and I am having the same food cravings, pizza, cereal, and ice cream. Weird!! They aren't uncommon foods, but still.
Last week was my first time that I worked a full week. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I did. I even worked a 12 hour shift. I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday, it made me realize that I am not 100%. I couldn't get my emotions under control. All I wanted to do was run out of the office and go see my therapist. She is such a lifesaver. I didn't get to see her last week, I am going to have plenty to talk about when I see her next week. My current fight with myself is that my mind is only 30, I want to push and push the limits but don't know where that limit is. I have cut back on somethings, and it brings me to tears to feel like I am failing because I can't do it all. My body is that of an 80 year old woman. When Friday hits I am in bed by 8pm at the latest. It makes me sad to not be able to go out and be like the rest of my friends and everyone I know. Then I sleep for 12 hours or more. I want to be normal and be able to be me again. I love that I have the support from other cancer survivors. Shout out to Oncology Youth Connection!!! Look them up and feel free to donate to them. They are amazing!! It makes me realize that I have a long road ahead of me and I need to stop trying to rush things.
That is me...the little rabbit that could. When you have been through what I have been through, all you want to do is live. Each person is different with how they handle things, and I want to travel. I don't want to be sitting at home every weekend. Then the reality sets in, I am no longer the rabbit but more of a turtle. My mind says go, my body says sleep!! This is my daily dilemma. Soon, I hope, I will find that happy medium. I still feel like an jerk for getting so emotional last week but I really couldn't handle it. I have a backbone now, I have more confidence than I did before, yet I can't handle the additional stress on top of the stress that the normal day to day. I wish that it didn't make me feel like a failure not being able to do everything that I used to. I am the hardest person on myself and want perfection, damn you Stephen, you have made me want to be a perfectionist. I am not really mad at Stephen, he has been one of my biggest supporters and the best boss ever. He is so wise and knows when I need to be reminded that I need to take it easy. Again, it hasn't even been a year since my transplant. I amaze myself, and know I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to go back to work the week I got out of the hospital. I keep pressing them to let me, luckily, I have a really smart doctor that knows me well enough to keep telling me no until he is ready.
So being the rabbit that I will be again. I am going to start training for the Portland half walking marathon in October. I will need donations and this will be a tax write off. I am setting a goal for myself that is reachable!
Here is the link.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
If you need more information please feel free to email me at jmphilips503@hotmail.com or text 503.341.3498
I miss a lot of you and would love to catch up.
Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Don't take this personally...
I went to the doctor today, but not my favorite oncologist, but a new one for my adrenal glands. I thought it was going to be more exciting. I was hoping that I would get off of the prednisone and would be put on a new medication that would allow me to loose my puffy face and belly. I sure was disappointed to learn the the new steroid has the same effects. I am hoping that even though they might have the same effects, that it will still be different since the prednisone is so hard on the body. I am going to be training for the half marathon in October and don't need anymore speed bumps in the road. I have to lower my dose of prednisone very slowly and the switch. Why can't the doctors tell you what can happen to you after a transplant? Granted there probably is about 100 things that "could" happen, but really it would have been nice to know the different parts of my body were going to act up. I guess because there are so many things that can happen, why scare the patient? The hardest part is dealing with the emotions that are ALWAYS running through my mind. I went and saw my therapist today and she reviewed all the things that we had talked about in the last couple of weeks. I honestly feel like I change my mind everyday. I am not sure if other cancer survivors feel the same, but you have this mentality that you want everything to happen now because you live in the fear of the cancer coming back. I really don't like fear and I have overcome a lot of things because of what I had to go through. The future is so unknown that it makes me want to make all my decisions today. Which then causes me to change my mind everyday. So not only does my body struggle but my poor mind struggles right along with it.
I got my review yesterday and it went well. One of the questions that my boss wanted to know is where I want to go with my career. He said that I didn't need to answer the question right away or even in the next 6 months. Currently my mind set is to stay put and go on as many vacations that I can. I might not be able to leave the country right now but there is plenty of the United States to see. Oh how I want to go and see Boston. I think about it all the time. Do I want to stay in hotels or move over to something that has to do with leukemia and lymphoma? I am not ready to answer that question yet. I told him that I would stay put for the next 2 years, but don't think that in those 2 years that I won't still be learning more about hotels and sales.
With all that has happened to me, I have become less sympathetic and I know this. I will work on this because my therapist says that I need to and I know that she is right. I also have become more aggressive in the decisions that make even if I change my mind. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but if you know me that is who I am. I don't think that I have been come the type A personality but am very close. Let's take this back a few years. I was 17, and I wanted nothing more than to move up and be a manager. I worked so hard, I knew everything about that hotel. I did what a normal front desk person wouldn't do. I was a go getter! Then I got to be the manager at the age of 22. I couldn't believe it, I was in charge of 17 people. I was so proud of myself but then it became too much for me. I had a shitty boss and I do blame him for a lot because, well he sucked! I ended up getting fired but that was the only way I was going to leave. I went out and partied it up afterwards. I was so happy to be done with that job. About 2 months later is when Colin died and that like I said before was the beginning of my downward spiral. Then 2 months after that I was robbed at gun point. The messed up part was the guy told me that he was doing because his son had cancer. He didn't have a son that had cancer. I worked that job for another 2 years after that happened because I was determined to not let it affect my life. It really did though and for a long time. I was scared all the time, I couldn't be alone. I had a hard time going to the store by myself. All the trauma had made me a meek and timid person. I second guessed myself all the time. I need approval for everything that I did. It wasn't until this year, 2012, six years later that I was finally able to go out to a restaurant by myself. I seriously had never done that in all of my 30 years. I have once again became that strong person that I was before. I really never lost the go getter mentality, but it is back in full force. I am not intimidated by anyone anymore. I stand my ground and have a backbone. Yay me!! I am still a very caring person but when someone dies don't make me feel guilty for living. It isn't my fault that they died and that I lived. It really makes me feel awful, because I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to lose someone and all the pain that it causes. Cancer has no age and death has no age. Life is sad, I get it. Learn to live in the moment and not make such a big deal about the small things. It just isn't worth it. I feel like I got on my soap box a little. I just have to release my feeling because I don't need them all trapped inside of me. I am constantly changing and dealing with what I went through, so I hope that I don't offend you, but if I do then you really don't know me. Oh yeah, that is the other thing I have to learn again, the filter. Damn it I have been keeping my mouth shut for the last 6 years. Guess what?? I have an opinion on everything and I want to be heard!!! I hope that none of you ever have to go through what I have because well it sucked, but remember this, cancer makes you realize what is really important in your life. Cancer is not short term, it might be gone but won't EVER be out of my life.
I stated earlier that I am going to do the Portland half marathon in October that means that I am doing Team In Training. I will be asking for your support once again. I need to raise $1500 at the very lowest. I haven't set a personal goal yet. I hope that everyone can contribute so that we can find a cure and not make people have to take these meds that cause so many problems. Here is the link for my fundraising page.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
Tomorrow I meet with the general manger and HR to start not one but two new committees. I am starting a care committee to boost team morale. I know, not everyone can be positive all the time, thank you Trina, but a little treat each week or once a month really makes people smile. I do want to give back to the hotel that has been so great to me. I have a meeting to attend tonight to try to get the Heathman become a corporate team for Team In Training. I just need two more people to sign up that work at the hotel. I will get to that on a later date. For now this is enough.
I got my review yesterday and it went well. One of the questions that my boss wanted to know is where I want to go with my career. He said that I didn't need to answer the question right away or even in the next 6 months. Currently my mind set is to stay put and go on as many vacations that I can. I might not be able to leave the country right now but there is plenty of the United States to see. Oh how I want to go and see Boston. I think about it all the time. Do I want to stay in hotels or move over to something that has to do with leukemia and lymphoma? I am not ready to answer that question yet. I told him that I would stay put for the next 2 years, but don't think that in those 2 years that I won't still be learning more about hotels and sales.
With all that has happened to me, I have become less sympathetic and I know this. I will work on this because my therapist says that I need to and I know that she is right. I also have become more aggressive in the decisions that make even if I change my mind. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but if you know me that is who I am. I don't think that I have been come the type A personality but am very close. Let's take this back a few years. I was 17, and I wanted nothing more than to move up and be a manager. I worked so hard, I knew everything about that hotel. I did what a normal front desk person wouldn't do. I was a go getter! Then I got to be the manager at the age of 22. I couldn't believe it, I was in charge of 17 people. I was so proud of myself but then it became too much for me. I had a shitty boss and I do blame him for a lot because, well he sucked! I ended up getting fired but that was the only way I was going to leave. I went out and partied it up afterwards. I was so happy to be done with that job. About 2 months later is when Colin died and that like I said before was the beginning of my downward spiral. Then 2 months after that I was robbed at gun point. The messed up part was the guy told me that he was doing because his son had cancer. He didn't have a son that had cancer. I worked that job for another 2 years after that happened because I was determined to not let it affect my life. It really did though and for a long time. I was scared all the time, I couldn't be alone. I had a hard time going to the store by myself. All the trauma had made me a meek and timid person. I second guessed myself all the time. I need approval for everything that I did. It wasn't until this year, 2012, six years later that I was finally able to go out to a restaurant by myself. I seriously had never done that in all of my 30 years. I have once again became that strong person that I was before. I really never lost the go getter mentality, but it is back in full force. I am not intimidated by anyone anymore. I stand my ground and have a backbone. Yay me!! I am still a very caring person but when someone dies don't make me feel guilty for living. It isn't my fault that they died and that I lived. It really makes me feel awful, because I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to lose someone and all the pain that it causes. Cancer has no age and death has no age. Life is sad, I get it. Learn to live in the moment and not make such a big deal about the small things. It just isn't worth it. I feel like I got on my soap box a little. I just have to release my feeling because I don't need them all trapped inside of me. I am constantly changing and dealing with what I went through, so I hope that I don't offend you, but if I do then you really don't know me. Oh yeah, that is the other thing I have to learn again, the filter. Damn it I have been keeping my mouth shut for the last 6 years. Guess what?? I have an opinion on everything and I want to be heard!!! I hope that none of you ever have to go through what I have because well it sucked, but remember this, cancer makes you realize what is really important in your life. Cancer is not short term, it might be gone but won't EVER be out of my life.
I stated earlier that I am going to do the Portland half marathon in October that means that I am doing Team In Training. I will be asking for your support once again. I need to raise $1500 at the very lowest. I haven't set a personal goal yet. I hope that everyone can contribute so that we can find a cure and not make people have to take these meds that cause so many problems. Here is the link for my fundraising page.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
Tomorrow I meet with the general manger and HR to start not one but two new committees. I am starting a care committee to boost team morale. I know, not everyone can be positive all the time, thank you Trina, but a little treat each week or once a month really makes people smile. I do want to give back to the hotel that has been so great to me. I have a meeting to attend tonight to try to get the Heathman become a corporate team for Team In Training. I just need two more people to sign up that work at the hotel. I will get to that on a later date. For now this is enough.
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