I am really looking forward to going on vacation on May 24th for a whole week, well okay, 6 days but close enough. Ross and I will be celebrating my 1st birthday while we are there. I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I received my transplant. Oh boy how that year has been a big one for me.
I was thinking back to when I was in the hospital for the first month and half and wasn't able to have any contact with anyone. I completely had forgotten about that. I wanted a real kiss, but could only kiss through the mask. Everyone having to wear gloves and not being able to really touch anyone. It is amazing all the people that came and saw me. It is still the most that 14k has ever had for how many visitors came to visit one person. I am so thankful for all the support that I got during that time. A year later and I am having the same food cravings, pizza, cereal, and ice cream. Weird!! They aren't uncommon foods, but still.
Last week was my first time that I worked a full week. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I did. I even worked a 12 hour shift. I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday, it made me realize that I am not 100%. I couldn't get my emotions under control. All I wanted to do was run out of the office and go see my therapist. She is such a lifesaver. I didn't get to see her last week, I am going to have plenty to talk about when I see her next week. My current fight with myself is that my mind is only 30, I want to push and push the limits but don't know where that limit is. I have cut back on somethings, and it brings me to tears to feel like I am failing because I can't do it all. My body is that of an 80 year old woman. When Friday hits I am in bed by 8pm at the latest. It makes me sad to not be able to go out and be like the rest of my friends and everyone I know. Then I sleep for 12 hours or more. I want to be normal and be able to be me again. I love that I have the support from other cancer survivors. Shout out to Oncology Youth Connection!!! Look them up and feel free to donate to them. They are amazing!! It makes me realize that I have a long road ahead of me and I need to stop trying to rush things.
That is me...the little rabbit that could. When you have been through what I have been through, all you want to do is live. Each person is different with how they handle things, and I want to travel. I don't want to be sitting at home every weekend. Then the reality sets in, I am no longer the rabbit but more of a turtle. My mind says go, my body says sleep!! This is my daily dilemma. Soon, I hope, I will find that happy medium. I still feel like an jerk for getting so emotional last week but I really couldn't handle it. I have a backbone now, I have more confidence than I did before, yet I can't handle the additional stress on top of the stress that the normal day to day. I wish that it didn't make me feel like a failure not being able to do everything that I used to. I am the hardest person on myself and want perfection, damn you Stephen, you have made me want to be a perfectionist. I am not really mad at Stephen, he has been one of my biggest supporters and the best boss ever. He is so wise and knows when I need to be reminded that I need to take it easy. Again, it hasn't even been a year since my transplant. I amaze myself, and know I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to go back to work the week I got out of the hospital. I keep pressing them to let me, luckily, I have a really smart doctor that knows me well enough to keep telling me no until he is ready.
So being the rabbit that I will be again. I am going to start training for the Portland half walking marathon in October. I will need donations and this will be a tax write off. I am setting a goal for myself that is reachable!
Here is the link.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/portland12/jmphilips503
If you need more information please feel free to email me at jmphilips503@hotmail.com or text 503.341.3498
I miss a lot of you and would love to catch up.
Hugs and Kisses!
Jenene
