Thursday, January 24, 2013

New year new goals

It has been over a year since I started my blog and through the last year I have come to terms with a lot of things dealing with cancer. When I started last year I was so afraid of so many things happening. I was completely living in fear, afraid of the sun, germs and of relapse. It has almost 18 months since my transplant. I like to take the time and reflect on what has happened.

I went back to work on November 28th 2011. That was 6 months after my transplant. I was full time working 32 hours by January 1st. Not only was it 6 months after my transplant but only 4 months after I almost died. I try to make light of what happened only to not make people feel so weird. How many times to do you get to come back to life? Ross, the nurses and myself were the reason I am still alive. Always believe what you feel inside, don't go against. In the last year I have had to adapt to a life of change. Learning how to do the simple things that I once took for granted. My memory is the one thing that I take for granted and now I have adapted to making notes, not just in one place, but like 3. I need to carry it over to my personal life a bit more. Write things down! :-)

Last year after not being able to drink for 10 months, I really could wait to be able to drink again. Not like I have ever been a really drinker, but a nice cold beer with some BBQ. You know what I mean, a cocktail after a long day at work or a nice glass of wine with dinner. Mind you, my drinking was very limited because of the medications that I was taking and didn't want to injure my liver or kidneys. Now, I am only on 2 meds, one for my thyroid and one for my anxiety. Guess what? Those were the meds I was on before I was diagnosed. It has been just over a week since I have stopped taking steroids for the first time since my transplant. Oh boy does it feel good. I keep hoping that my face is going to lose it's chubbiness very soon. Only time will tell. Because of the steroids it has caused my cholesterol to go into the high range. Making me have to make another adjustment to life. No one likes the word diet. So instead, I have changed the foods that I eat but making sure to still fulfill my cravings. Watching the amount of calories and cholesterol that I intake. Hopefully it will drop a lot with not taking the steroids and eating differently. Also I have been working out with my bike that I got, with core workouts. Oh ya baby! I am going to look great for my wedding.

The last 2 days someone has told me that I am fast walker. Do you know how good that makes me feel? Thank you Charlene! I could barely get around a year ago. The cold air would take the breath right out of me. Oh change how you have been good to me. I have also been falling down less. Getting those knees and hips in shape.

Coming to terms with life. I have learned how to cherish those that love me so much better. Have better appreciation for all that have taken care of me. Learning how to let go of the past as in longer than the 2 last years. Letting going of the fears of dying and learning to live again. Life is so short, but you truly don't understand unless you have come close to losing it. Not having people in my life that are drama and self-sabotaging is the easiest thing to let go. My life is so much calmer now that I know who I can count on and who I can't. It's better to have a small group of loved ones then lots of "surface" people. It has been amazing what I have learned through going to a therapist. I recommend it to everyone. Everyone should have one. Someone to release all your thought and that isn't going to hold your hand and cater to your needs or their needs. Be real and honest people. 

I have recently felt heartache again. In all that has happened my father has decided that he is done with me and my sister. Without airing all our dirty laundry know this. My sister and I are by far some of the strongest people I know. Ya, I know I have a big ego, but you go through what I have and see how you come out on the other side. We are so strong because had to raise ourselves from me being 9 and her being 7. Our mom was a hard worker and our dad was always in between jobs. Our mom did the best she could but only could do so much. I remember being so poor that we could only use 3 squares of toilet paper at a time. Getting most of our school supplies from our grandparents because my grandfather was a principle and was always stocked up. There is so much more childhood drama, but we all have it. No one is perfect, I truly understand that. I have always opened my doors to my family and tried to help out. I have helped out my dad's sister and ex-girlfriend only to be screwed over by both of them. I have always had a place for him to lay his head when he has come to town. But one time he can't stay all night is when we had my mom over for holiday he stops talking to me and blocks my number. Then tells my sister he isn't coming to my wedding or walk me down the aisle. The reason that we didn't want to have him over wasn't because my mom said anything it was because my sister and I didn't want to have an uncomfortable holiday with both our parents. Hello! They have been divorced since 1999, no we don't want our parents to be around each other unless necessary. It was weird enough in the hospital and I was on drugs most of the time. So there you have it. All I have to say is that you can't explain crazy.

I am moving forward and looking forward to my wedding and honeymoon. Next month will be 2 years since I got Leukemia, but the only anniversary that will matter to me are the one with Ross and my transplant birthday. :-)

So 2013, has been good so far with only being 24 days into. One of my goals for the year is to educate myself more. I love to memorize dates, places and trivia. I am learning all the Presidents in order then to learn about them and be able to tell everyone all sorts of things about them. I have the first 8 so far. I am getting there week by week. :) Speaking of memory, I can't remember what my other goal was, sure I would like to lose weight, but that wasn't it. Drink less, sure, since last years was to drink more. Haha! Well I guess that is enough for now. I am off to read my book.

Let's try for next week.

Take care of yourself!

With love,