Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Don't take this personally...

I went to the doctor today, but not my favorite oncologist, but a new one for my adrenal glands. I thought it was going to be more exciting. I was hoping that I would get off of the prednisone and would be put on a new medication that would allow me to loose my puffy face and belly. I sure was disappointed to learn the the new steroid has the same effects. I am hoping that even though they might have the same effects, that it will still be different since the prednisone is so hard on the body. I am going to be training for the half marathon in October and don't need anymore speed bumps in the road. I have to lower my dose of prednisone very slowly and the switch. Why can't the doctors tell you what can happen to you after a transplant? Granted there probably is about 100 things that "could" happen, but really it would have been nice to know the different parts of my body were going to act up. I guess because there are so many things that can happen, why scare the patient? The hardest part is dealing with the emotions that are ALWAYS running through my mind. I went and saw my therapist today and she reviewed all the things that we had talked about in the last couple of weeks. I honestly feel like I change my mind everyday. I am not sure if other cancer survivors feel the same, but you have this mentality that you want everything to happen now because you live in the fear of the cancer coming back. I really don't like fear and I have overcome a lot of things because of what I had to go through. The future is so unknown that it makes me want to make all my decisions today. Which then causes me to change my mind everyday. So not only does my body struggle but my poor mind struggles right along with it.

I got my review yesterday and it went well. One of the questions that my boss wanted to know is where I want to go with my career. He said that I didn't need to answer the question right away or even in the next 6 months. Currently my mind set is to stay put and go on as many vacations that I can. I might not be able to leave the country right now but there is plenty of the United States to see. Oh how I want to go and see Boston. I think about it all the time. Do I want to stay in hotels or move over to something that has to do with leukemia and lymphoma? I am not ready to answer that question yet. I told him that I would stay put for the next 2 years, but don't think that in those 2 years that I won't still be learning more about hotels and sales.

With all that has happened to me, I have become less sympathetic and I know this. I will work on this because my therapist says that I need to and I know that she is right. I also have become more aggressive in the decisions that make even if I change my mind. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but if you know me that is who I am. I don't think that I have been come the type A personality but am very close.  Let's take this back a few years. I was 17, and I wanted nothing more than to move up and be a manager. I worked so hard, I knew everything about that hotel. I did what a normal front desk person wouldn't do. I was a go getter! Then I got to be the manager at the age of 22. I couldn't believe it, I was in charge of 17 people. I was so proud of myself but then it became too much for me. I had a shitty boss and I do blame him for a lot because, well he sucked! I ended up getting fired but that was the only way I was going to leave. I went out and partied it up afterwards. I was so happy to be done with that job. About 2 months later is when Colin died and that like I said before was the beginning of my downward spiral. Then 2 months after that I was robbed at gun point. The messed up part was the guy told me that he was doing because his son had cancer. He didn't have a son that had cancer. I worked that job for another 2 years after that happened because I was determined to not let it affect my life. It really did though and for a long time. I was scared all the time, I couldn't be alone. I had a hard time going to the store by myself. All the trauma had made me a meek and timid person. I second guessed myself all the time. I need approval for everything that I did. It wasn't until this year, 2012, six years later that I was finally able to go out to a restaurant by myself. I seriously had never done that in all of my 30 years. I have once again became that strong person that I was before. I really never lost the go getter mentality, but it is back in full force. I am not intimidated by anyone anymore. I stand my ground and have a backbone. Yay me!! I am still a very caring person but when someone dies don't make me feel guilty for living. It isn't my fault that they died and that I lived. It really makes me feel awful, because I don't know what to say. I know what it feels like to lose someone and all the pain that it causes. Cancer has no age and death has no age. Life is sad, I get it.  Learn to live in the moment and not make such a big deal about the small things. It just isn't worth it. I feel like I got on my soap box a little. I just have to release my feeling because I don't need them all trapped inside of me. I am constantly changing and dealing with what I went through, so I hope that I don't offend you, but if I do then you really don't know me.  Oh yeah, that is the other thing I have to learn again, the filter. Damn it I have been keeping my mouth shut for the last 6 years. Guess what?? I have an opinion on everything and I want to be heard!!! I hope that none of you ever have to go through what I have because well it sucked, but remember this, cancer makes you realize what is really important in your life. Cancer is not short term, it might be gone but won't EVER be out of my life.

I stated earlier that I am going to do the Portland half marathon in October that means that I am doing Team In Training. I will be asking for your support once again. I need to raise $1500 at the very lowest. I haven't set a personal goal yet. I hope that everyone can contribute so that we can find a cure and not make people have to take these meds that cause so many problems. Here is the link for my fundraising page.


Tomorrow I meet with the general manger and HR to start not one but two new committees. I am starting a care committee to boost team morale. I know, not everyone can be positive all the time, thank you Trina, but a little treat each week or once a month really makes people smile. I do want to give back to the hotel that has been so great to me. I have a meeting to attend tonight to try to get the Heathman become a corporate team for Team In Training. I just need two more people to sign up that work at the hotel. I will get to that on a later date. For now this is enough.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Life is grand!

Over the last few months I have taken you through what I went through in the hospital and the emotions that I felt. Since January I have come close to be hospitalized once, which isn't all the bad. I am starting to go to the doctors only twice a month which is huge since I used to go every week up until 2 weeks ago. I can't tell you how many times my arms have been poked. I was starting to miss my port, but not really. I rather keep getting poked then have that thing in again. I am going to see a specialist on the 17th for the adrenal glands. I have already done the testing that they need, now it is time to get on a medication that I can stay on. BTW, I HATE steroids. My dad doesn't like it when I say hate, but this one drug has done all sorts of damage to my body. Hopefully I will be able to get my body back to being 30 and not feel like an 80 year old. Then again it is another steroid that I will be going on and probably have to take for the rest of my life. But as long as I am living that is the important part.

The blog is one way for me to release what I am thinking and not worry about having to hear anything back. The emotional drain that I go through on a daily basis is crazy. I am sure that is why I am on half the medications that I am. I went back to work after being gone 10 months. Really? 10 month is all that it took me to go back to work. I must have been really bored at home, just kidding. I haven't heard of anyone going back to work that quick. I have this fire in me to do my best, I lost it a while ago but I found it. I carry myself with confidence and grace, ha-ha, just kidding again. I have no grace, that is why I fall down all the time. I am ready for the summer and all that it has to bring. I hope that I don't have the fear of traveling again like I did in February.  I am going to be going to Vegas again but this tie for Ross' birthday. Just the 2 of us. Of course I will spend time with my sister and brother-in-law but most of the time will be spent at the pool.

Seriously, I went from wanting to buy a house and settle down to wanting to get out and see the world or the United States at least. I can't travel out of the country for a while. Just this week I found out that it would probably be a couple of years before I get my shots. That is the thing, I go to work, I eat and drink just like everyone else but I have all these pills that I have to take and worry about my skin all the time. I want to forget for a day that I don't have to deal with this everyday of my life. I never forget but I am going to make the most of it. I keep my positive attitude, keep smiling, don't let the small things bother me. Every once in a while I do want to punch someone, but instead I try my hardest to put it behind me because it isn't worth it. Still a couple of weeks after dealing with a certain guest I still get angry thinking about him. I should call him and his assistant up and tell them what I have gone through and play my cancer card. I rarely ever do that. I am not a survivor I am a warrior who is still battling. I would love to be the pink warrior but I think that people would think that I had breast cancer. I guess I will be the orange warrior, the other pink.

So, here I sit on Easter, thankful for my life, but I am not a religious person, because there is no one that got me through this than myself. I believe that I did this on my own, damn it that makes me one strong ass person. Sure, I give lots of credit to the doctors and drugs, but I was the one that had to be mentally strong enough to come through on the other side. Being on the other side is just as difficult, with all the daily drama, but it so worth it. What is the point of this blog? Maybe one day I will figure that out until then I will keep typing away for everyone to read.