Tuesday, July 31, 2012

July 31st - another step forward

I went to the doctor today. I am so happy that I am able to get off some of my medications. It is a great day today. I love being able to look to the future even if it is only two weeks away.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

It has been way too long

I haven't written in so long I forgot that it is such a great release of stress. What do you say? Stress? I have once again become so stressed out with life that I am making myself sick again. It has since passed, because once I know what the problem is I try to fix it right away. When the time comes, and it will be in a few months I will go into greater detail of all of my stress. Then you will wonder how I manage even to stay happy.
I was talking to a co-worker today about speaking in front of people and how sometimes it makes me nervous to talk in front of my co-workers but when I talk in front of a large crowd it is so different and easier. I have been praised for the strength that has gotten me through this journey. I don't know where I find it but I do. I keep telling myself to live in the moment and make the most out of everything. I love my life so much, I am so happy to get up everyday and go to work. I am sure most you can't say that. I truly do love the job that I do. Okay, this is totally not where I was going with this. So back to my co-worker and positive thinking, I told her that negative thoughts are just as easy. I have been going to therapy since before I had my transplant and wow she is amazing. I told her that all that I gone through had made me a better person and that I didn't have an anger issues. I think I am in a 12 step program without actually being in one. My mentality is not all pink roses and rainbows. I seem to some how by the end of the day get over my issues and climb into bed with a smile on my face because I am alive! This is for my sister, I know that she will read this, and she will surely tell that I told you so, but the first step is admitting, I might have a little of an anger problem. I am good at controlling. I show little remorse to others and I can't fight with my body because I am too weak, but I have a nasty tongue and will say things that you wouldn't ever thought to be said. When it is all over I don't feel bad but better that I did it. My voice is the most powerful thing that I have. I choose to use it wisely, which has only come with age.
I have decided after one training that I wasn't able to do a half marathon. I am prone to falling and injuring myself very easily. I have messed up my knee and am not sure of the long term effects of it. With all of the issues mentally and physically in the last couple of months, I mean my new issues. My attitude hasn't been all the best. Today has been a turn back to the positive. I was asked by OHSU to tell my story about young adults with cancer. As all of you know, I love to talk and tell my story. I have been come friends with a woman that is biking across the US to raise money and awareness for young adults with cancer. So that is what I plan to do, instead of trying to do a marathon or something that is going to wear me out, I am going to use my voice to get across to as many people as I can. I am very passionate about leukemia and the side effects. Why are young adults statistics not changing? Why is our survival rate so low? I hope that in my life time there will be a cure for some sort of cancer. Just one would be great, but really it is the side effects of all the medications that we have to take. Moving forward, my attitiude will be better and just in time for another baby to be born. I can't wait for little Rocky to come. Hello, Jayme! What is his name? I will call him Rocky for the rest of his life, ha! Just kidding.
Do you think of someone every day that gives you inspiration? I look within myself for my strength and always am thinking about Benjamin Franklin. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention him. It is all about choices. My choose to get out of bed everyday and go to work. Sometimes I choose to stay in bed all day. I choose to share my story in hopes that it will inspire someone to become a doctor. The average age for a doctor is 56 and the average for nurse is 53. What? Really? I got my doctor to really go off about healthcare. It was very intresting and sad. I feel like I could be a doctor with all the things that I know about leukemia but that isn't who I want to be. Inspiration is such a great word. What will inspire you to make a difference? I had to learn the hard way, which most of us do. Make your life worth living. Don't be afraid. If I can battle cancer then you can do anything.
Did you know that my chance of getting cancer is ten fold compared to a woman that is the same age? Did you know that I have been set into menopause and is causing me to lose my bone density? Or how about that my kidney and liver are always going to have to be watched and if I have a few drinks that it will make my liver look like I am an achololic? My body at anytime, for the rest of my life, can come down with GVHD? I have already had it twice in my first year of recovery. Oh, the curly hair thing isn't cute, it is annoying. My two biggest complaints have to be memory loss and fatigue. It drives me crazy that I can't remember things and I hate being tired all the time. These two things won't get better with time. I have accepted these things and that is why I am able to live a happy life and not live in fear anymore. I was so afraid of the sun, I am going to get skin cancer if I go in the sun. Well, if I stay in all the time, that will cause other health issues. So you see I can't be afraid of what might happen. Today is today and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Ross is next to me and that is where I am happiest.
I won't take so long to post a new blog...lots of exciting things are in the future.
Love always,