Saturday, February 9, 2013

So close to the 18th

A couple of nights ago I was listening to a song on You Tube. Then it got me thinking about our first dance song. I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. I have heard it so much that it kind of lost some of it meaning to me. But listening to this week reminded me all that Ross and I have gone through. Here are the lyrics.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

There have never been a song that has been more fitting then this song. I can't wait to dance to this song. It will forever be our song.

Being so close to the anniversary to the day that I was diagnosed with cancer, I am reminded of what has happened in the last two years. Let's see...I went to the ER and I remember it like it was yesterday. So much I can't remember from the meds that they gave me. I haven't really dealt with all of it, but each day I get closer. It helps for me to talk about it and share my story with others. It is very hard to be 31 and not know very many people like me. Don't feel bad that I can't have kids. I never knew if I want to have them. Think of it this way, I am never again going to have the emotional stress from PMS. It has been almost 2 years since I have had a period. Oh yeah, I love it. Sure I get hot flashes, but I much rather have those then terrible cramps and mood swings. There are so many adjustments that I have had to make because one day my life changed forever. I am not angry because last year was a great year. A lot of things I got to experience because of my cancer and I would have taken so much longer to get to if my life hadn't changed.

I have talked about all these things before and there is nothing new, yes my life changed. I can't change what has happened. I would change anything. I am so happy to be alive and sharing my story with you. I hope to go through my blog and add more details. I hope that one day that I can turn it into a book. I hope that one day I can help someone else get through cancer and treatment.

I was recently in hospital because I had an allergic reaction to a vaccine. Let's chance of getting leukemia is 1.51% actually it is lower because of the type of leukemia. I got the one that is least common in adults. There is no cause or prevention for it. It just happens. So like most things that have happened to me it had taken a few days. The vaccine that I had was Tdap which only came around in 2005. It is the tetanus shot with others, well the others it was I was allergic to. "Very rarely, someone may have a severe allergic reaction to an ingredient in the Tdap or Td vaccine. This generally happens in less than one in a million doses.'' Seriously? Remember I was allergic to cyclosporine? Highly unlikely that a very serious allergic reaction would happen. My newest one is Celebrex which only causes a small reaction but you can see it all over my face, why? Because it turns my face bright red! Oh geez. At least at this point I am more surprised when something doesn't happen. Another small thing that I have had to adjust to. When I was in the hospital the doctor told me that when it comes to me that all rules go out the door. Yay me! I always new that I was different but really but I didn't know how different I am. I am not going to change me. I love me.

As the 18th comes closer, I am trying to make it a better day for me. I don't want it to be my emotional time of year. I don't want to be sad. It is the hardest thing that I have gone through. I hope that I never have to go through something as hard. So I am ready to take on this new year and plan my future. Ross and I have so many things in store for our future. We will live each day with a smile on our face. I will remind myself to not to live in the past. Move forward. It really was the day that my life changed forever. I don't look the same, I don't act the same. I am a better person than I was before. I really need to thank cancer for what it did to me. If it doesn't kill you it only makes your stronger. Those are some words that you don't want to live by. My motto is always "Energy and persistence conquer all things." - Benjamin Franklin.

I am ready for the next chapter in my life. To be married and start my life with Ross as husband and wife. 69 days until we are married. We are so excited and can't wait for the big day. Next chapter in my life will be a cancer survivor at the age of 31 and beyond. Learning how to deal with my body and all that comes with. Trying to get people to understand that what I went through, because I look like I am 25 I act like I am 30 and have the body of a 75 year old. It isn't that I expect to be treated differently but it is hard to understand when you look at me and don't know my past. Can't truly understand me without the history. I am really thankful to be alive. There is an amazing man that tells me all the time how much he loves me. He makes me smile so much! Oh Ross how I love you!

 I think this is enough for now. Until next time. Keep smiling.

Love - Jenene

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