The What If's??

What if none of this had happened, where would my life be today?

It has only be a year since I was diagnosed with Leukemia and so much has changed in a way that I never saw coming. First, most of you don't know this but Ross and I broke up the night before I was diagnosed. When I was diagnosed he was given the option to leave by both of my parents. So, what would have happened with Ross and I if I hadn't got diagnosed?
Where would everyone lives be?
The change that was forced upon us, did I take it with grace or fall flat on my face?
The chain reaction that I caused, will I always feel guilty for messing up my family and friends lives?
Am I stronger person for fighting for my life or was it luck that things landed the way that they did?
Do you know what it is like to be in a relationship and not be able to kiss them, because he had to wear a mask, gown, and gloves? It SUCKS! No direct contact with anyone, gives me a very lonely state of mind. Do you know what it like to be worried all the time that you are going to catch some one's cough or flu? How about the sun? Everyone loves to be out in the sun! If I am in the sun, certain medications will have a bad reaction and I could possibly get GVHD again.
What if the cancer comes back or I get a new form of cancer? Will I ever be able to travel abroad without having anxiety of catching something on the plane?
Will I always have to wear a mask on the plane?
What would my attitude be? My outlook on life has changed so much. I don't see getting cancer as a blessing but rather just a challenge that I had to overcome to give me a real chace at living. I am sure that I will still have anxiety problems.
Would I still be letting my co-workers walk all over me?
Did I really get a backbone to stand up to people while I was in the hospital?
How could this one thing change me so much?
Did I let the leukemia change me on purpose?
The biggest question is: why did it happen to me? I will never know the answer and I am fine with it.
Why is it whenever I am watching TV and they are talking about a relative of someone, the person has been diagnosed with leukemia? I already was aware of the cancer, but it seems to be out in the media much more.

What if I wasn't in the hospital when I had my seizures? That is a pretty easy answer, I would have died just like a friend of my sister's. It is that plain and simple.

What if I hadn't gone into remission and my sister wasn't my match?
Would I still be in the hospital?
Would have I died at this point?
What if I didn't care about having a long life and went out and partied like it was my last day to live?
Who would I be today?
What if my ex-boyfriend hadn't died and given me the strength to fight this battle since he didn't fight for his life?
What if I wasn't diagnosed, would have I wanted children? With that choice taken away, I have a new hole in my heart that makes me not want to be around kids, because it hurts to know that will never be me. I can't relate to new mommies and will always feel left out. Over time I am sure that it will get better, but how long will that take?


I could simply be a memory.
I could have continued live in my bubble with no substance, with no happiness insight.
I would have like to believe that Ross and I would have worked it out but at that point in my life I was ready for change and I wanted him to be apart of it, but he wasn't ready.
If I hadn't been diagnosed I would be in a financial hole still.
I miss my own room and having the time to myself, but now wouldn't change anything. But I know I would still be living by myself.
I would have continued to let people walk over me.
I would have still be intimidated by a lot of people.
I wouldn't have had the passion to get involved with TNT and OYC.


What have I taken from this?
I have true love and full trust with Ross.
I have no problem telling people what I feel and knowing that my mind is made up.
I have learned to put my health as my number one!
I have learned to not take life so seriously.
I have learned to control my stress.
I am able to speak in front of large crowds.
I have made some great friends along the journey and lost some friends.
I feel like I can take on the world, and have no fears.

The leukemia has given me a chance to live again with a whole new body that I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror. Some of me is still the same but most of the new me, is new.

So, what if these things had happened?

There are no what if''s, because we don't look in the past for the answers. I am only moving forward with my life.