Last time I blogged I had fallen down the stairs at my house. This time I was just trying to help Ross carry a table downstairs and by the time I was done I couldn't breathe. By 2 am I could barely move. I am very happy that I can take meds right away and not suffer. I didn't go to work because how much pain I was in. I rated it at 9 out of 10 on the pain level. What is my body doing to me? I am so old on the inside then what my mind is. I am sure that I repeat myself over and over again because the battle seems to never end.
Okay, lets talk about something that is super personal. Sex, is it true that as you get older your sex drive goes down. If you sexual peak for woman is 30, then I should right on track. But from all the treatment they told me that I would lose my drive. I was thinking that they were crazy, that would never happen to me. Oh but it did. Not okay! Gone just like that. Closed, shut down. Not coming back. It is so sad. Well I can take hormones and bring everything back to life. It isn't worth is because of the chance of getting cancer again. But you know what? Ross and I have one of the most sexual relationships that I know. He makes me feel so loved. We were given a challenge at a much younger age and we found a way to be close and have that spark every day. It is the most amazing feeling to wake up every day and know that I have someone that loves me whole-hardheartedly. Sex doesn't mean getting it wet, it means making that other person feel special and in that moment there is no one else but just the two of you.
I recently heard that someone and their partner were discussing 401k and what they need to save and I thought to myself, wow, I worry about writing my will and not making long term plans more than 2 years out. Do you even realize how one day everything can change? Most of you won't have that experience. Another cancer survivor said that she wished that everyone would have to go through something so difficult to have full appreciation for life. I kind of have the same wish, but realize it doesn't always make a better person.
I am counting down the days until my next bone marrow biospy, to tell me if I have leukemia again. It is the reason that I have been so stressed the past couple of months. I have 31 days from now. Then I probably have to wait another week to get the news.
How the hell am I supposed to keep that smile on my face. It is so hard to not play the what if games. Last time I was told, it was sudden and had to be dealt with right away but this time if it come back with bad news, will I do all the treatment again. Will I get in my car and never come back? All these different thought good and bad going through my mind all the time. Every day I think about cancer, every time I take medication I think about cancer. Every time my knee starts to give me trouble I think about cancer. Looking in the mirror I think about cancer. It is ALWAYS on my mind. It is amazing that I am able to get so much done at work and stay focused. The people at work at the ones that keep me sane. They keep me busy with my mind. I forgot to set up billing for a group, this was probably the first time in 3 years. If I would have gone to work instead of calling in sick I would have caught it and there would haven't been a problem. I state that I am not perfect and take responiblilty for my mistakes. I own my mistakes. You should too! Stop pretending to be someone that you aren't.
I have made my list and am ready to fufill it. Are you? Are you doing what you love? I love change
but hate it all in the same breath.
So you to I say this "Hello world, don't mess with me while I ride this high." with a smile on my face looking to the sun!
Love,
Jenene
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