Even though it has only been a couple of hours since my last blog. My mind has had the time to wonder. I sit in the dark of my bedroom with the lights off with spa like music playing in my ears. It sends me in to relaxation. I spray my pillows down with lavender. I put dry lavender underneath my pillow. I take nice slow breaths and close my eyes and imagine that I am laying on the beach some where warm. Not a tropical place where you would most go to but the Carolinas. I have never been but for years I have always pictured that to be my relaxing spot. I see the birds fly over to take my stress away. I listen to myself breathing and finally with all the music so softly playing in my ears. I can be fully relaxed and go to sleep.
Everyone needs to find that place where you can be yourself and not be afraid. Most of us live in some sort of fear. I fear when I get on a plane that something is going to happen. After a couple of drinks and some anxiety meds I am good to go. My biggest fear is not having control. No, what do you say, me a control freak. Yes I am! I like routine. I like for things to be the same. I like to plan things out. I don't like surprises. But really am I any different than you? Fear is not something that we want to live in but because of movies and media we tend to over think things and let the fear start to eat at us. So back to my relaxing...what do I do with these fears. I put them into beach balls, makes sense since I pick myself being at the beach. I fill those beach balls up and I hit them as hard as I can out into the water. Sometimes they come back and I have to deal with those fears, but that is okay because it is apart of life.
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about someone. Five, four, three....
Did you think of yourself? Why not? Do you do something for yourself once a day? Most of us were raised to be the caregivers. I know that I was. I was 9 years old when I stopped going to daycare and stayed at home with Charlene who was 7 at the time. I was so little but so mighty. I could take care of my family. I made sure that we never used more than 3 square of toilet paper at a time. We had to save money wherever we could. So, with this ability to take great care of others, did I learn how to make myself important? I sure didn't. Does that make us selfish if we put ourselves first? Now many of you will say that your child will come first before you. Remember I will never understand that. I will never have that feeling of being a mother. But it doesn't matter, man or woman we need to make time for ourselves even if that means going to Baskin Robbins and getting ice cream for only yourself. Getting yourself a massage, by the way I did that last week and I loved it. I need one every week but that is far too expensive. Still I went out and did something for myself. I was at the store yesterday and I bought myself some new scissors and a tape measure to see just how around I have gotten. Well that doesn't sound like I have treated myself, but really what that means I am setting goal for myself, not anyone else, not even Ross. He doesn't care what I look like. He has seen me at my worst, but I want to look my best.
So think about this, what do you do for yourself? Remember this too...we come into this world alone and we die alone. Two guarantee in life, taxes and death. Thank you Ben. Let's not worry about tomorrow but work on how we are going to make today a better day.
I have recently started a bucket list, it's small but it is a start. I don't think that I am too young to start one. One day I hope to have my journey published. I wonder how many of my close friends could even guess one of things on my list and it can't be Boston. LOL.
Let's go back to the beach and curl my toes in the white powder soft sand. Laying down with the sun beating down on my face. Letting the warmth sun overcome by body with happiness and joy. Just to be in the moment. Taking the time to stop and take the world in. You can't hear anything around you except the light wind and the crashing of the waves. Then you look up and you see the beach balls that you have hit into the ocean have gotten so small because instead of coming back they are headed out to sea for you never to see them again. Getting the feeling of relief that this day has come that you can put your fears out to sea and they are never coming back.
Love,
Jenene
I read these post you put out here for all to see knowing you will be judged for your comments.
ReplyDeleteBut first one must live in your shoes. I remember when the Doctors told me I had but 6 months to live, that the tumor was full of Cancer. That's all I heard. To this day I couldn't tell you the events of that day sitting in the Doctor's I don't remember who was there, what was said or what we did after we left the office. I am told about it form the people that were with me, but still no memory.
As for me life was going to continue and was going to be a survivor if prostate cancer to be able to tell my story and talk to as many men as possible as to try to help them not get Prostate Cancer. I remember though the only thing that was important to me and still is I wanted to live long enough to walk my daughters down the isle when they got married. And that is still my plan.
Never in my life did I think I would have to watch a child of mine suffer and struggle to be alive. I understand your fight for life, and even if you step on your Mom's or Dad's toes and our feelings get hurt because we don't understand at the moment, and I am sure your Mother feels the same. We LOVE you no matter what. None of us are perfect and we all have our faults, but the one thing we do have is we are all family. It is sometime difficult not to judge some one else life. But if you think about it. We do that because we only want better for that person and for them to be happy. I know as your Father I also try not to think of the what ifs. I have cried myself to sleep many of time thinking about what if I lose my daughter? And praying to take my life so my child can live... If I ever did anything right in life it was have two wonderful daughters to share everything with. And I know I wasn't the best of Father at times, but you girls have made me grow in so many ways and I am so very proud of the way both of you have turned out in life. A Father couldn't ask for anything more. If this journey has a few more up and downs to throw our way. Let us not for get the love we have as a family..II love you Jenene and always will be by your side..Love Dad