The next step

When the doctor told me that I had leukemia all I could think is that I have the same thing that Colin had? I didn't know that much about leukemia except for that it had taken a life that was so dear to me. From that moment I thought that I am going to fight this and not have the same outcome as Colin. I thought that I am not going to cause that kind of pain of loss to my family, boyfriend and friends. That was me, always worring about how others were going to be effected. The only thing that I could do is think about beating this very scary cancer. I didn't think or care about what the consequences were going to be by making my choices so quickly. I don't regret the choices that I made. I wanted the most direct plan to get me to remission. I immediately wanted to start treatment because I wanted to live my life as a normal woman again. I had no idea that I would still dealing with it a year later. Now I realize that I will never have a "normal life" I will always have to worry about getting GVHD. That there are life long effects from the medications and treatments. My body will never be "normal". I will go through things that most will never understand. I might have just turned 30 but have the body of an 80 year old. Tht getting a standard cold could hospitalize me. My liver, kidneys and lungs have to be monitored closely for the rest of my life. I will have special doctors and will always need insurance. One of the first things that they tell you is that you aren't going to be able to have kids, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn't think about bringing a kid into the world when I don't know how my life is going to be. I can't even count how many times I was told that I won't be able to have kids. There was finally a point where I couldn't hear it anymore and just lost it. Losing the choice of being able to have kids was taken from me. When you lose the choice of being able to do something, it doesn't feel fair. I started the chemo right away and it seemed so easy and I thought this is nothing. Well, if the chemo doesn't work then why would there be side effects? When the doctor told me that the first round of chemo didn't work I was devestated. It is so hard to comprehend what they were telling me. Why wasn't the chemo working? I will never know. I had to wait a few days before they started another round of chemo and luckly that took. The side of effects were so bad. The mouth sores caused me not to eat. I remember asking the nurse if I was going to lose my hair and he said yes. Even though you hear what they are saying you don't want to believe what is going to happen. I was in the shower, just pulling out my hair and crying. You don't know something feels until it is happening to you. Your hair defines the way you look. I never had dealt with anyone losing their hair from chemo. I didn't want to look like a cancer patient. I wanted my life back, but I knew that I had a long road head of me. So I accepted what was happening. This was the truth and my life was no in my control. It was in the hands of the doctors and nurses and I had to trust them like I never trusted before. Ross said lets shave it and I was okay with that. I didn't like to lose my hair so getting rid of it all at once was going to be the easiest. Jake was kind enough then to bic my hair and you know what? my attitude changed. I looked good as a bald woman. I was a warrior! That's what the nurses called me, The Pink Warrior! To have my room all done in pink added character to the dull room. I thought every day that I needed to stay strong and let the medication do what it needs to do and I will beat this. I have thought many times of Benjamin Franklin whom I have looked up to for many years. The quote that I have made my motto is "Energy and Persistance conquer all things". It was me to the fullest. I have always put my 100% into everything that I do. The other man that helped me and felt like was always there was my Grandpa Hester. I want to the strong woman that my grandpa would be proud of. I want him to be able to look down and think that I am doing right by him. Several times I was "lucky" that I was at the right place at the right time. I am always listening to my inner self. I felt his presence the whole time that I was in the hospital. Even though I was in the hospital fighting for my life I was still dealing with life. Your bills don't get to be placed on hold while you are in the hospital. I had an amazing support team. My mom and stepdad really steppped up to the plate and helped me keep my credit good. I had been working so hard to get it to be good. I thought that I was going to lose everything. I thought that I was going to have to file bankrupt. All these added stresses are what you want to deal with but it is apart of life. I learned very quickly to take notes because life was going by too fast. Also learning about the cancer that I had and my odds. I remember that the doctor told me what they were but told me that I needed to think that it was 100% chance of living. One thing that I learned very quickly was to think positive. I couldn't think about why this awful cancer had chosen me. That came later when I was stuck at home with too much free time on my hands. I don't really remember that much from the 32 days that I was there. Oh them chemo brain that I am forever going to have. I do remember all the friends that came to see me. I never went a day without seeing someone. Ross was there everyday except one. He is my rock! He really stepped up to the plate and I will always be thankful. My family, mom, dad, sister and step dad were amazing too. I will get to them another day. Like I said before Feb. 18th my life and relationships changed forever. When I went into the hospital I weighed 127 pounds when I left I was 104. I was a cancer patient. Next blog will be about my sister and her role.