30 day challange

So instead of posting daily on Facebook I kept notes to myself and new that I would post them on my blog.

1. Ross
2. Sun
3. Good knees
4. The love from my Maggie
5. To have a job that supports my lifestyle
6. For those that were strong enough to fight for all of my freedoms.
7. Peace to myself
8. A job that I enjoy
9. My little nephews
10. The love I have for sports
11. Coffee
12. My health
13. Medications
14. Freedom to drive
15. For my family
16. For best friends
17. Having purpose to live again
18. My mom and dad
19. Benjamin Franklin
20. Doctors that answer your questions regardless of the hour
21. Water, food, and wine
22. Memories
23. For a good therapist
24. The experience of being bald and teaching me how to love myself regardless of how I look.
25. My crazy bosses and the lessons that they teach me.
26. Being able to express myself through writing.
27. The people that invented indoor plumbing
28. For my soon to be in-laws that are becoming to feel like my family
29. Clothes and shoes
30. My new recumbent bike.

I am so thankful to have my life. I love the way it is. There are always things that could make it better and that is why we have goals.

I could write everyday what I am thankful for. There are so many things that we live with that we don't even realize how important they are until they are gone. Don't take life for granted. Live it as full as possible. I realized that doesn't mean that I have to always be doing something. What is one of the most important things to my life? Napping. I have always liked to nap and so does Ross. It is one of favorite things to do.

I will keep this light...until my next posting...Happy Holidays.

Vacation

I just got back from the most amazing vacation ever. My mom, the wonderful woman that she is decided to take us to Hawaii to reward all the hard work that Charlene, Ross, Derek and Scott had done for me while I went through everything. It was a treat for herself too. I really didn't want to go to Hawaii, because at the time I was afraid of the sun. I don't want to get another cancer. I learned that it wasn't good to live in fear and wait for the next cancer to get to me. So we planned and planned our trip to Hawaii. I didn't have high expectation because I didn't know what it was going to be like. I had never been to a place like Hawaii. It took my breath away. It was Ross' home. He was so happy the entire time that we were there. We were all happy. The first day that we were there Ross proposed to me. I knew that he was going to since we were already planning the wedding. I didn't know what day or where. That was the surprise. It was very special and private and will only share a few details in person. That same morning Derek recieved a call that he had got a job at Amazon in Seattle. All this on our first day. This is the way to start a vacation. We saw several sites, we all went our own way because we are all interested in different things. We shared many meals together and talked about what we had done for the day. On Monday, we had planned to go to a temple and not really do too much but we ended up on our way to Honolulu and we were going there the next day to see Pearl Harbor but since we got lost, (apple maps suck) we decided to go visit Pearl Harbor. It really put things into view for me again. It made me very sad to know how many men, women and children had died that day. It was so peaceful to be out on the memorial and reflect on the terrible things that people had to go through. I have been through a lot but it doesn't compare to others went through in just a couple of hours. I wish that everyone would take interest in history, wars and the bigger issues in life. It would make all of our small things that happen everyday, just that, small things.

We ended up being able to find the temple on our way back. It was just as somber as the memorial. It was very fitting to put it all into one day. We were happy that we didn't do these two things on our last day but give us another day to reflect and enjoy our time in Hawaii. The temple was built without any nails. The temple is called Byodo-In Temple and that translated "temple of equality - not to discriminate". So fitting since the next day was going to be election day. I promise, no politics in this blog today. The Byodo-In was built to respresent the mythical phoenix, it's wings upheld by pillars of stone. Folklore tells of the phoenix arising from the ashes to reflect the promises of hope and renewal. This is what the trip was for me. Just less then a month ago my doctor told me to go and live. That is way the song feeling again touches me so much because the first time in almost 2 years I feel like I can live again. I have hope again for a brigh future. I look out and only see sunshine. Do you know what it feels like to have the new energy? It feels amazing and that is a small word to really put feeling into it.

As you can see my vacation was so far the best that I have ever been on. I hope that my mom reads this and sees how much she has improved my life. Without my support of my family, and that includes my dad who wasn't there I wouldn't be the person that I am. I could ask for better parents, sister, brother-in-law and step dad. Also to my wonderful man, Ross who has seen the worst side of me and the best side of and continues to stand by me.

With finishing this post, I know that I only gave a small glimpse of what my trip was like. As most of you know, my memory isn't what it once was. Ross and I have decided to create a scrap book of our vacation to Hawaii. I think that we will continue on taking pictures and making notes along the way.

It has almost been a full year since I have been doing this blog. I hope that one day to go through and rewrite it and make a book of it. Maybe? I am sure that my next post will be soon. I have a lot on my mind and am ready to share.

Love you all!

What would Benjamin Franklin Do?

Think about these quotes...I am sure that you can apply them to your life.

 Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

He that can have patience can have what he will.

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.

Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.

Fish and visitors smell in three days.

And last...my favorite.

Energy and persistence conquer all things.

Just some things to think about and apply to life.  

Feeling again

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...

There was nothing better than getting the news earlier this month that I was cancer free. To hear my doctor to tell me to go out and live and love made me feel like a brand new person. I have waited over a year to confirm that I was still in remission. Did I have doubts, yes I did. But who isn't after I have I gone through.

I have finished packing for my trip to Hawaii and am going to take off tomorrow. I have never been to Hawaii and really look forward to getting some relaxation and sun. There is nothing like getting some sun. I know, where my sunscreen. Don't you worry my mom will be there and will I am sure be more than happy to put me on a clock to reapply. I love her, it is because of her that we are taking this trip. It is the first time ever that we have taken a family trip. Good thing I like all of them. This is her treat to us, me, Charlene, Derek, Ross and Scott for all their support that they have given me in the last year and half. Without them I don't know what I would do. I don't think about those things. No need to.

I am starting to live again and it feels amazing.

I had a co-worker come up to me today and tell me that she had read on Facebook that I was cancer free and it made her so happy. She tried to explain how connected she had felt to me because 5 years ago she was sick and in her country they didn't know what was wrong. She said she was in the hospital for 40 days. Oh boy do I know how that feels. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. It is one of the main reasons I have decided to write today.

How can we better each other lives? How can we get rid of the bad from our past? I have come to terms with what has happened in my life. I still have people that I don't want anything to do with and really don't care what ever happens to them. But I don't spend any of my energy on them or looking back. By no means am I perfect. I have a mouth that can't seem to shut. I love to express myself.  Anyways, moving forward. I would love for everyone to be happy all the time. I would love for no one to feel pain. These things, I can only do by sharing my positive energy with others. I can hug you everyday. I can tell a corny joke. I can make you laugh 10 times a day. I can dance around like a white girl. Did I make you smile yet? The one person that needs to be happy is yourself. If you can't find happiness within yourself then you can't share with others.

I can tell you that my relationship with Ross is like no other. I try not to compare to others. I have been told that what Ross and I have gone through is something that people that have been together 30 years might go through. Where I am going with this is...tell your partner that you love them. Tell them how special they are. Communicate always. Tell them your feelings good or bad. Spend time with them and nothing else around. Don't take each other for granted. Look into their eyes and give them a compliment. Kiss them on the cheek. There are so many small things to do to make another feel better, they don't even have to be down. I am not an expert in relationships but I understand the importance of sharing feelings because you never know what the future is going to hold.

I can't wait for what my future holds. There are so many changes going to be taking place in the next year. Then from there you never know what is ahead. So many questions, oh change how I will take you.

Live, love and laugh!! Those are the only things that you need to remember. Try to do it everyday. Keep positive!

With love,
Jenene

This is mine

Hmm, how do I feel? Well, I am pretty happy with life right now. I bought tickets to a couple of concerts that are coming up. One is one of my favorite bands, Passion Pit. Makes me want to get up and dance when I hear them. They make me very happy. Let's see, politics aren't to be discussed, since I might offend someone. Ha, I so don't care. My opinion is my opinion, and you can keep yours. I do educate myself. I stay up with current news. I read a lot. I don't have my blinders on. So that being said. I think that Paul Ryan is the worst choice for Mitt. I have never so strongly disliked a candidate. I think the last time that I was pro-life was when I was 16, even before I could vote. By the time that I was 18 I was pro-choice. Could you imagine someone trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do with my body. Ya, like that would happen. Let's think about this, what if I wasn't able to get birth control because it is morally wrong. I wonder how many kids I would have and how many baby daddies. I mean really. No kids and stable or kids and probably needing some state assistance. It really isn't that hard of a choice. Now that I don't have to worry about that, it is onto the next thing. Healthcare! Alright, this is to all my friends that are my age. Listen to this. I was on Medicare when I was in the hospital. They lowered the cost of medications and also covered different bills. It was a life saver. So, when you hear about Medicare, it isn't just for the old. You are going to need it at some point in your life. Also, pre-existing conditions. If I ever work at another place, with Obamacare in place I don't have to worry about being denied insurance. But if it gets turned over then I will always have to worry if I will be able to. It is unlikely that I would be able since I had a life threaten disease. I can't even get life insurance for 7 to 10 years. Oops, sorry honey. Think about your future and your kids future. Do you have a will? Do you have a form with the hospital saying when it is okay for you to be saved and when to stop saving you? What is something happened to you tomorrow and your kid was left alone? Who would they go to? Just because we are "young" we have to think about the hard things in life. Does someone have the passwords to your bills, email, and bank accounts?
Did you know that much about stem cell transplants? Without the testing they would be able to cure diseases. I might not have been successful with my transplant.
What is all my point to this? From the time that you are born to the time that you die that politics are going to be apart of your life. Educate yourself. Be a voter! Make choices on what you think, not what I think.
Oh by the way, this is my blog. :-)

Writing to release

Even though it has only been a couple of hours since my last blog. My mind has had the time to wonder. I sit in the dark of my bedroom with the lights off with spa like music playing in my ears. It sends me in to relaxation. I spray my pillows down with lavender. I put dry lavender underneath my pillow. I take nice slow breaths and close my eyes and imagine that I am laying on the beach some where warm.  Not a tropical place where you would most go to but the Carolinas. I have never been but for years I have always pictured that to be my relaxing spot. I see the birds fly over to take my stress away. I listen to myself breathing and finally with all the music so softly playing in my ears. I can be fully relaxed and go to sleep.

Everyone needs to find that place where you can be yourself and not be afraid. Most of us live in some sort of fear. I fear when I get on a plane that something is going to happen. After a couple of drinks and some anxiety meds I am good to go. My biggest fear is not having control. No, what do you say, me a control freak. Yes I am! I like routine.   I like for things to be the same. I like to plan things out. I don't like surprises. But really am I any different than you? Fear is not something that we want to live in but because of movies and media we tend to over think things and let the fear start to eat at us. So back to my relaxing...what do I do with these fears. I put them into beach balls, makes sense since I pick myself being at the beach. I fill those beach balls up and I hit them as hard as I can out into the water. Sometimes they come back and I have to deal with those fears, but that is okay because it is apart of life.

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think about someone. Five, four, three....

Did you think of yourself? Why not? Do you do something for yourself once a day? Most of us were raised to be the caregivers. I know that I was. I was 9 years old when I stopped going to daycare and stayed at home with Charlene who was 7 at the time. I was so little but so mighty. I could take care of my family. I made sure that we never used more than 3 square of toilet paper at a time. We had to save money wherever we could. So, with this ability to take great care of others, did I learn how to make myself important? I sure didn't. Does that make us selfish if we put ourselves first? Now many of you will say that your child will come first before you. Remember I will never understand that. I will never have that feeling of being a mother. But it doesn't matter, man or woman we need to make time for ourselves even if that means going to Baskin Robbins and getting ice cream for only yourself. Getting yourself a massage, by the way I did that last week and I loved it. I need one every week but that is far too expensive. Still I went out and did something for myself. I was at the store yesterday and I bought myself some new scissors and a tape measure to see just how around I have gotten. Well that doesn't sound like I have treated myself, but really what that means I am setting goal for myself, not anyone else, not even Ross. He doesn't care what I look like. He has seen me at my worst, but I want to look my best.

So think about this, what do you do for yourself? Remember this too...we come into this world alone and we die alone. Two guarantee in life, taxes and death. Thank you Ben. Let's not worry about tomorrow but work on how we are going to make today a better day.

I have recently started a bucket list, it's small but it is a start. I don't think that I am too young to start one. One day I hope to have my journey published. I wonder how many of my close friends could even guess one of things on my list and it can't be Boston. LOL.

Let's go back to the beach and curl my toes in the white powder soft sand. Laying down with the sun beating down on my face. Letting the warmth sun overcome by body with happiness and joy. Just to be in the moment. Taking the time to stop and take the world in. You can't hear anything around you except the light wind and the crashing of the waves. Then you look up and you see the beach balls that you have hit into the ocean have gotten so small because instead of coming back they are headed out to sea for you never to see them again. Getting the feeling of relief that this day has come that you can put your fears out to sea and they are never coming back.

Love,
Jenene

Hello world!

Last time I blogged I had fallen down the stairs at my house. This time I was just trying to help Ross carry a table downstairs and by the time I was done I couldn't breathe. By 2 am I could barely move. I am very happy that I can take meds right away and not suffer. I didn't go to work because how much pain I was in. I rated it at 9 out of 10 on the pain level. What is my body doing to me? I am so old on the inside then what my mind is. I am sure that I repeat myself over and over again because the battle seems to never end.
Okay, lets talk about something that is super personal. Sex, is it true that as you get older your sex drive goes down. If you sexual peak for woman is 30, then I should right on track. But from all the treatment they told me that I would lose my drive. I was thinking that they were crazy, that would never happen to me. Oh but it did. Not okay! Gone just like that. Closed, shut down. Not coming back. It is so sad. Well I can take hormones and bring everything back to life. It isn't worth is because of the chance of getting cancer again. But you know what? Ross and I have one of the most sexual relationships that I know. He makes me feel so loved.  We were given a challenge at a much younger age and we found a way to be close and have that spark every day. It is the most amazing feeling to wake up every day and know that I have someone that loves me whole-hardheartedly. Sex doesn't mean getting it wet, it means making that other person feel special and in that moment there is no one else but just the two of you.
I recently heard that someone and their partner were discussing 401k and what they need to save and I thought to myself, wow, I worry about writing my will and not making long term plans more than 2 years out. Do you even realize how one day everything can change? Most of you won't have that experience. Another cancer survivor said that she wished that everyone would have to go through something so difficult to have full appreciation for life. I kind of have the same wish, but realize it doesn't always make a better person.
I am counting down the days until my next bone marrow biospy, to tell me if I have leukemia again. It is the reason that I have been so stressed the past couple of months. I have 31 days from now. Then I probably have to wait another week to get the news.
How the hell am I supposed to keep that smile on my face. It is so hard to not play the what if games. Last time I was told, it was sudden and had to be dealt with right away but this time if it come back with bad news, will I do all the treatment again. Will I get in my car and never come back? All these different thought good and bad going through my mind all the time. Every day I think about cancer, every time I take medication I think about cancer. Every time my knee starts to give me trouble I think about cancer. Looking in the mirror I think about cancer. It is ALWAYS on my mind. It is amazing that I am able to get so much done at work and stay focused. The people at work at the ones that keep me sane. They keep me busy with my mind. I forgot to set up billing for a group, this was probably the first time in 3 years. If I would have gone to work instead of calling in sick I would have caught it and there would haven't been a problem. I state that I am not perfect and take responiblilty for my mistakes. I own my mistakes. You should too! Stop pretending to be someone that you aren't.
I have made my list and am ready to fufill it. Are you? Are you doing what you love? I love change
but hate it all in the same breath. 
So you to I say this "Hello world, don't mess with me while I ride this high." with a smile on my face looking to the sun!

Love,
Jenene